My new worry… how will the dynamics change?

So, lets say that the past 6 years had panned out as they should have…. we would have 2 kids, one of 6 and one of 4. My 2 closest friends from primary and high school have 2 kids of those ages and, since we have been back in SA, we have reconnected and become close once again (my hubby has also befriended their hubbies and so we are now a group rather than a 3some), so in this scenario, our kids would all be good pals too and we would continue having our weekends at the Vaal and hanging out together for the next 10-20 years.

Now, lets skip to the life that we are actually living….at the moment we are a strong group, we go away for weekends together, the kids love us and all is hunky dory. What happens when we get the call (from my lips to God’s ears)? Or, if what my Gran said, comes true and we have a successful final cycle and it ends up being twins (please, please, please!)…. how will it all work then??

I sat at the Vaal Dam with them all this past Easter weekend and we were discussing what our favourite age has been so far 20’s, 30’s or 40’s (for Kel’s Mom who was there) and my 2 buds agreed that def their 30’s (we’re 33), as all the baby stuff was behind them and now they have got their lives back and that they always wanted to have had their babies by the time they turned 30. It was quite hard to listen to, not because I will mind wiping bums and clearing up puke when it happens BUT because I had also planned that I’d be done with it all by now….

Anyway, I guess time will tell whether our friendship will change….but it is kind of inevitable, no matter how many times they say that it’s cool because the elder kiddies love playing dolly and they will do nappies etc…I need to be a realist and get my head around the fact that, the minute we get that call, or a + sign on a pee stick….the dynamics will shift and when that does eventually happen and 6 years of TTC comes to an end, I doubt that I will want it any other way!

6 thoughts on “My new worry… how will the dynamics change?

  1. Hi there,
    I’ve been following your blog for a couple of months now, and although this journey is undoubtedly an individual one (I think each person deals with this situation differently) I
    can certainly identify with a few of the things you have been through and how you feel.

    Our journeys are quite different but my husband and I have also struggled to fall pregnant and although we eventually have fallen pregnant now (after a lot of poking and prodding and the wisdom of the most awesome fertility specialist) I have consistently tried to soul search about the meaning or the lesson I needed to get out of this…. You wont be surpised im sure to know I’m yet to come to a logical conclusion.

    What I do know is this though – you truly learn who your real fiends are through this process and while we were trying and what felt like the whole world was falling pregnant except me, I knew who I could call to cry, vent or just to bitch at even if deep down I was happy for my friends who fell pregnant “by accident” or the first month they tried!! What
    has been even more interesting or me is what the reaction has been now that we are pregnant…. Many of my close friends (mother and sister included) when I told them I was pregnant, responses were, thank goodness, you were impossible going through this process – I was horrified, embarrassed and hurt to be honest, but I guess it is what it is
    and u can’t change they way people are – but your post struck a chord with me because I think it is quite insightful!

    While I’m not so sure that these words will help you in anyway what I really wanted to say to you was this, never underestimate how brave you are and how much strength and courage you have to take this journey you and your husband have! No matter what your friends and family do, I found it difficult – however consoling to make peace with the fact
    that this was our journey (for whatever messed up reason) – I stopped having
    expectations of people who unless have been through this process could never
    understand what it really feels like to sit in those waiting rooms at the fertility specialist
    with what feels like 100 other desparate couples and continue to hope that your body is
    going to play the game and do what it is supposed too. I guess I never really wanted
    anyone to give me an answer or to tell me what to do or how I should be feeling when I
    was looking for support when I was feeling down. I just needed someone who would listen
    and Not feel like I was being judged!

    Your journey has been such a long one, but you have to believe your time will come – be in the form of a birth mom choosing you :o) or your last cycle working -it will happen and you will know the people who Are your true friends when it does!!

    One of my best friends always used to say to me everything is going to be ok in the end and if it isn’t okay – its not the end :o).

    You have come so far, it will be your turn -SOON

    Sorry for the loooong post, I’ve been meaning to write on your blog for ages and just never got to it – so there it is. Hope it makes you feel a little better, that you are not alone and this will come right!

    Good luck – with everything and keep writing :o)


    • Hi Suzie

      Wow, thanks for the comment and for taking the time to read my blog.

      Congrats on your pregnancy and good luck for the rest of it… and enjoy every minute (I know I don’t need to tell you to, I am sure that you are loving it!) 🙂

      Thanks again for your insight….it brought tears to my eyes!

      Bok xx

  2. Infertility coming to a end … I find myself also wondering about that a lot and it is just blank, I have been obsessing about it for so long that it feels that it will never go away.

    Whatever way the dynamics change I know you will be happy 🙂 I am secretly praying for twins when we start treatment again, DH will have a fit but me will be over the moon

    • Thanks Alley Cat, I would love twins too, I have even started peeking on the multiples chat room on the forum, which can’t be good for my state of mind…but I sometimes enjoy pretending!!

  3. Dynamics may change, but there will be new dynamics. Through adoption I became a mom a 44, when my younger sister had a 17 year old. But here is what I found, I actually have quite a few friends close to my age who have at least 1 child the same age as mine, even if it is a second or third child. My other sister’s seconf child is only year older than mine. I met some other moms who I have become friends with, mostly as my daughter is friends with their son / daugher. not all of them are in their 20s either.
    I was also worried at the beginning of how things would change, as we were comforable in our routine. What a shake up becomeing parents was! Yes things changed, but believe me. we wouldn’t have it any other way. We can’t even remember how we used to fill out time! And being an older parent has it’s advantages, we are done partying, so we don’t mind going to bed at 8.30 pm. (Too tired) Kids make you feel younger, you can relive your childhood, and re-discover things you have long forgotten (poor memory). I don’t have to worry about being a young granny. And though I joke, I do understand, and I hope your wish is fulfilled soon however it may happen.

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