Why I am more of an emotional wreck than usual…

Ok, so I thought that I owed you a bit of an explanation regarding my less than stable emotional state recently…

At the beginning of the month we made the decision that, in June, we will commence our 3rd and final ICSI cycle (as chatted about in a previous post). We are going balls to the wall with this one and are doing a ZIFT, which is a pretty hectic procedure, meaning that the embryo’s are transferred via a laparoscopy, into my tubes, the day after they fertilise. This is because, when the issue is with the sperm, the embies seem to do better when they are put back in their natural habitat quicker. It is a big procedure and means that I will be going under general anaesthetic the day after being sedated for egg retrieval BUT, I have survived a laparoscopy before and I want to look back and know that we did EVERYTHING that we could, to get our BFP.

So, there is a lot riding on this one, which automatically makes it more emotionally draining than the first 2 cycles that we did. In fact, for the first one, we were so young (27!) and naive, that it didn’t enter our heads that the cycle would fail….I mean, why would it? We were young and everybody said it would work…!! One BFN later and we were a bit older and wiser about the dark world of Infertility and so we waited 2 years before having cycle no 2. That time we had 2 seemingly perfect blastocysts transferred and left the clinic with the Fertility Specialists words ringing in our ears “the worst outcome will be that it is twins”!!! One heartbreaking and soul destroying BFN later, we took another 3 years to pick up the pieces enough, to enable us to be in the right place both emotionally and financially, to try again.

So, yes, if I am a bit of a whinger and a bitcher over the next few weeks, I apologise in advance. I know that that is the reason I reacted so badly to the recent “kid’s party saga”, there is no way if I was in my right mind, that I would’ve let it hurt me quite so much…

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Because you don’t have children…

…have to be the most hurtful words that an infertile can hear or the most hurtful reason that anyone can give an infertile, for not including them in something, or inviting them somewhere.

Despite the pain those words cause, I hear them quite often and, as you can probably guess, they were the words I heard in relation to my missing invite to my bff’s kids’ party. My other bff confronted her and those were the very words she used… one of my closest friends, one of the only people in the world who know what we are going through/have been through and she used the very words that hurt more than any others.

I’m hurting so much at the moment… I really hope our friendship survives this. I know there is no way she could know the pain those words bring, no one who hasn’t been down this path knows that pain, but I can’t help the way that I am feeling either.

Guess we’ll all have to watch this space, to see how things pan out…

Maybe….just maybe!

Posted by me on Friday, on http://www.fertilicare.org:

“You know how, when you’re on the list, your SW’s don’t tell you each and every time someone looks at your profile?? Well, today, we found out that, at 2pm, someone would be viewing our profile….

A few weeks ago, we picked up our profile, to update it (we have rescued a dog from the SPCA and thought he should be in it),but you know how time goes and we still haven’t gotten round to doing it (incidentally we said this morning that we’d do it tonight and get it back to her tomorrow). So, we have a bit of a stressful morning this morning (our gardener decided it would be a great idea to take our dogs out for a walk…on one of the biggest main roads around and hubby spotted him!!!) and, when I eventually got back to my desk, I had a message from our SW’s maid reminding me to bring the album back. I rang her and apologised and said that we would bring it tomorrow…she said that Monday would prob be better, as she will be in all day to let me in. Something then told me to message Zoe (SW) and so I sent her one apologising for taking so long. So, she replied to say that it is ok, she just didn’t want us to miss out!!! So, I said that, if she ever needs our profile back, I could get it to her in 20 mins…to which she replied…BRING IT NOW!!!! So, I cancelled my afternoon appointments and zoomed home, picked up the profile, plus the loose pics that we had ready to put in and a glue stick and drove like the wind, the 20kms to her house. I got there at 13:22pm. Veronica (maid) came out and said that she is sorry that she couldn’t tell me to bring it today, but she was glad I contacted Zoe. I asked what time they/she/he (no idea on details) were coming and she said 2pm!! So, I glued the pics in outside her house, gave our profile a good luck kiss and zoomed away!!!”

Posted by me now, continuing the story…

“So, when I left Zoe’s house, I went and sat round the corner, at a lovely dog walking spot that I knew and made a few phone calls, asking for lots of prayers and good vibes to be sent at 2pm. I group messaged my closest friends who were all beyond excited for me and I phoned my Mom and Sister. Then I sat with tears streaming down my face, remembering that my Gran had said to me during that psychic session, that we would be happy in May and again in September….could this be the reason that we would be happy in May?? COULD THIS BE OUR TIME??

I prayed alot and spoke to my Gran, asking for a sign that this would be it. Then, when I couldn’t sit still any longer, I went to the supermarket nearby (so I would be in close enough proximity to still send my own good vibes) and proceeded see a bunch of boy children, ranging from 2 months-5yrs old (my Gran “said” we were going to have 2 boys), which is not unusual for a supermarket in the middle of the day but, how I encountered them was a bit bizarre… One was abandoned in his push chair, blocking the aisle to the till (I thought to myself that, if his Mom only knew a fraction of the emotional and vulnerable state that I was in, there is no way that she would’ve left her son unattended!!) I stood behind him frozen to the spot for a full 30 seconds, before his 3 year old brother came and moved him. Then there was a boy riding on the trolley with his Mom, who waved at me and watched me very intently, his eyes following me the whole way to my car and another that I encountered in the parking loft who gave me a big grin and a chuckle (kids don’t usually pay me any attention)…could those have been the signs? COULD THIS BE OUR TIME??

So, as you can imagine, when I got home that evening I was a bit of a gibbering idiot!! I asked my hubby if I should pester Zoe (SW) and ask her for feedback and he agreed that I should. So, I messaged her and said that, although I know that we aren’t supposed to know that our profile was being viewed but, as we do know, we would love some feedback… she replied by saying that it was very early days with this birth mom, BUT and, here’s the biggy, “we have several BM’s who may look at profiles over next few weeks, so I didn’t want you to miss out”!!! OMG, we go from “hardly any white birth mom’s are out there”, to “several birth mom’s”!!! so, as well as a few others out there who are waiting (im)patiently on the list, maybe this really is OUR TIME!!! 🙂

 

 

Mother’s Day AND a Christening??

So, Sunday is one of the hardest days of the year for us Women trying so very hard to have children… Mothers Day!

As if that wasn’t bad enough though, it turns out that my cousin decided to have her son’s Christening (one of the hardest family celebrations that an infertile has to deal with anyway) on that toughest of days AND my hubby will be away for it!!

I obviously cannot go and listen to a mass celebrating all the mother’s of the world…I’m just not strong enough at the moment and yet, what possible excuse could I come up with when it’s Mothers Day and my Mother will be there? So, I have decided to be honest and just bbm’d her saying that I really can’t face it, sorry!

Guess that’s another family member who will now think I’m nuts…