In 2014…I am getting me back!!

Ok ok, I know I may be a month too late on getting my new years resolutions down, but I am firm believer in ‘better late than never’.

2013 was another crap year for me in many ways…apart from having our gorgeous boy of course. It was a year in which I let a few things go that I shouldn’t have. 

1) My weight. I was so full of grandois ideas after we lost E that I would never have a belly one could associate with a pregnant one again, as it was too painful. Then of course the wine and chocolate and wine and food and wine and cupcakes all put paid to that! 

2) Smoking. Since I was 17 I have been a social smoker, on and off. I stopped completely after D and I had been together a bit, but I started again when we returned to SA. In the UK smoking is hellish expensive and so frowned upon, no one really partakes in it…not so here! The wine flowed at the braais we went to and it went from standing chatting to the smokers, to joining them, in one rather seamless step!! When we were approaching our IVF cycle, I stopped but, after we lost E, I took it up again and this time there was nothing social about it!

3) My Marriage. We are one hell of a couple, if I do say so myself but, the past 2 years, have really put strain on us. It is partly our fault, as we really didn’t pursue grief counselling like we should have, when A arrived, so some feelings were swept under the carpet. A lot though, I feel may be my fault. I pushed D away, I went out at night, leaving him to babysit, coming home sometimes at all hours of the morning. I told myself it was to keep my friend company, who was also going through a tough time in her marriage but, if I am fully honest with myself, it was because I was running away. Not necessarily from D but from being a wife and a mother mostly. Because of the situation in which A came into our lives, I don’t think I fully realised how hard it would be to love a little being, that is not the little being that you had been dreaming about for the past 6 months, but rather someone elses little being, but is now suddenly yours to look after and love for the rest of your life. We didn’t have the grace of time healing all our wounds, before A came along, he arrived when we were at our rawest. Yes, he did heal some gaping ones himself, just by his presence but, some others took even longer to close over and so going out and drinking too much and smoking too much, was a nice escape (now I am not talking every night, rather a few times a month). It was a punishment too though because, generally due to the guilt, I would drag myself out of my pit to get up with A at 5:30am, even after only going to bed at 2am! He hadnt even known I was gone, so the guilt was more because I knew the reason I was doing what I was doing. Things got better towards the end of the year and then, when Mav died, I completely withdrew once again and have struggled with grief and feelings of inadequacy ever since.

So! How do I intend on fixing the above?

1) I have joined the Low Carb High Fat Crew and intend on losing 20kgs! I have started going to the gym much more often than I ever did…still not often enough but I am getting there!

2) I have stopped smoking! Well, I do puff on the odd persons ciggy but, I am on the road to stopping completely. One big motivator is our pooch Maverick, who died of cancer in December, when he did nothing at all to deserve it! So, I am doing it to try and save myself, before it is too late!

3) We are going to see a relationship therapist on Monday and I am going to start talking to D more and slowly dragging myself back into the real world. I will stop picking fights and trying to push D away because, one day I may succeed! I am also going to spend more quality time with A. I know I work and I also have a big new venture that I am involved in with others but, neither of those are more important than my boy. He will be my only living child and time goes by so damn fast, I am buggered if I am going to turn around in a few years and wish I had taken more time out to be with him.

New Normal

You have all heard the saying that “time heals all”, you have probably even said it to people yourself.

As a Mother who has lost a child, I have heard it many times and I know it to be true…you all do. BUT I am hugely saddened by the fact that time does heal a broken heart and a grieving soul, none more so than now, after losing Maverick.

He died a month ago and left such a giant hole in our lives that, for the last 5 years, was filled with a wagging tail and his happy face and lots of kisses. I cried for days, we both did and I was so sure that I would never get used to coming home and him not rounding the corner at a sprint, to jump up at the window, even though he knew he shouldn’t…he just couldn’t contain his excitement at seeing his beloved masters come home. But, it has started to become our “new normal” and I just realised that I am beginning to get used to it.

I am hugely saddened by this and I realised today that I never pin pointed a time, when Ashton being around, became the “new normal” , instead of us being the grieving parents, after losing our Eloise. Obviously time healing all does make life easier to get through but, it almost feels as though you are forgetting them, forgetting the impact that they made on your lives and, in turn, disrespecting them and their memory.

I have lost my beloved Child and now my beloved Pet, I should continue grieving and be heartbroken for the rest of my life, it just feels wrong that I don’t. Of course I have my moments when I find myself thinking back to happy times and I tear up, there are also times when I hear a sad song and bawl my eyes out for an hour straight BUT there are also more frequent times that I am completely fine, normal in fact and that, right there, is what I CANNOT get used to.