My Boys heart is about to be broken…

…because his first girlfriend is moving to Australia 😦

Baby L lives down the road and it has become routine for her and A to play together in the afternoons. She is a bit older than him (that’s my boy!), but her name is the first that he has learnt, after Mama and Dada! He doesn’t even have a name for his Nanny yet!

Tonight they leave the complex and start their journey to their new lives and I know that my poor boy will be at such a loss tomorrow and Friday and everyday from now on, as to where his L has gone. It just breaks my heart every time I think of it! 

I know this is the first of very many little girls breaking his heart but, the fact that at 18 months, he cant understand makes it much worse for me.

Thank you for brightening up my boys day L and thanks to your Mommy and Daddy for being so supportive during our darkest days. Good luck to you all in your new life! Please tell me you have sold your house to someone with a little one??

Hands up, I need help!!

19 Months since the horrific loss of our Beautiful Baby Girl, I have eventually reached the point that I have to admit to myself that I need help to process my feelings.

It has been a long time in coming and there have been many arguments and near breakdowns along the way but, last week I decided that enough was enough and today I went to my first appointment with a psychologist.

I have been keeping myself busy to the point of absolute mental exhaustion, to try and train my brain not to think or dwell on things that I dont want to think or dwell on but it has caught up to me (as everyone knows that it does) and now, even with 8 hours a night sleep, I barely make it through the day I am so tired…classic sign of a heavy depression.

What did I learn from today’s session? Hello my name is S and my middle name is GUILT! I am pretty much going through my life guilt ridden over any number of things incl: ending our pregnancy, not spending enough time with A, not spending my time at work doing what I am paid to do, rather I spend time on my “hobby”an NPC, spending too much time with K (friend going through a nasty divorce) and not enough time with D (hubby) etc etc. I am a people pleaser and I always have been… I just forget to please myself most of the time.

Not sure how to even start to fix things but, at least I have made the first step and, hopefully week by week, I will get stronger and stronger (and poorer and poorer 😉 ).

My mantra for the foreseeable future…NOT MY CIRCUS, NOT MY MONKEYS = I must not get involved in others’ dramas. So much easier said than done when you are a people pleaser….