Anniversary of The Call

A year ago we found out of your existence my Gorgeous Boy. Our lives were literally turned upside down within a teeny tiny minute.

On Sunday you turned 1 and we celebrated with family and friends and I marvelled once again how time does fly. I promise I will take time this December to sit every day and just drink you in, to set these memories in concrete.

I love you my boy, so much.

Mommy xxx
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To our Darling Birth Mom

Our boy turned 1 today!

Never have I been more grateful for what you gave up, to make our dreams come true.

I watched our boy today through privileged eyes. He is such a confident, happy little soul and is completely gorgeous and that is down to both of us…you and me, together, we have done a great job!!

I am sorry you are hurting today but please know that you were in our thoughts all day as we celebrated this milestone, thanks to your generous heart.

Thank you thank you THANK YOU, we will be forever grateful.

Lots of love xxx

1 Year…

…since you left us to become Heavens most beautiful Angel.

It has been a year of emotional turmoil without you my precious girl. Time has done what it always does and started to heal our raw pain but, today it feels like it was yesterday that we let you go. I can remember every moment of our last day together so very clearly. Listening to your heart beat for the last time, splashing you in the bath while you kicked me to show your enjoyment, dancing out in the rain with you…today is also a rainy day, as if Mother Nature is grieving along with us.

Today of course, we have your brother with us, to give us the kisses and cuddles that you never could but, they aren’t soothing our souls as much as they do on any other day of the year because, today we wish with all our hearts that it was your kisses and cuddles we were getting.

We couldn’t have made it through the week without the support of our amazing friends. We have received flowers in remembrance of you, we have had poems dedicated to you and we received a card and a phone call from Compassionate Friends, today to say that they are thinking of you. You have had candles lit for you in South Africa and in England and we have had countless messages of support from all those who’s lives you touched in one way or another. You really are a very special girl and, even though we grieve with all that we have in us, we are blessed to be able to call you our daughter.

We love you Eloise Iris Seana Williams and we will never ever ever stop loving and missing you. I hope that you are with your Gran Gran and Great Grandpa, sitting on their knees and getting the cuddles from them that we cannot give you. I also hope that you are playing with your cousins Morgan and Isla, who’s anniversary is also approaching. Most of all, Mommy hopes that you are happy and know just how much you are loved and missed by us all down here. One day, we will be able to tell you and give you the hugs and kisses that we long to give you, our time together is yet to come and, when it does, I will treasure each and every moment.

Till we meet again my Angel….

All my love,

Mommy xxx

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To My Secret Santa…

This year I decided to join in the Secret Santa for Bloggers, run by the fabulous Cup Cake Mummy. As my blog has been somewhat down over the past 12 months, I wanted to quickly log on, in case my secret Santa is stalking me, just to put a few things straight…

Even though the past 12 months have been tough and the next seem like they wont be any easier (our beloved 5 year old spaniel has lymphoma and we dont know how much longer he has 😦 ), I am generally a cheerful and happy person. I love my family (sister and Mom sometimes my aside 😉 ) and view my friends as the family that I chose for myself. I am fiercely loyal, I love my dogs and all things animal…I am one of those annoying peeps who share the doggies on death row on fb and who drags you to comedy nights, when it is for a good cause. 

My house is neutral and turquoise, so anything those colours will fit in perfectly, I am not very creative but I love when others are and I buy bright pics and nik naks from markets often.

My fave SA bands are Prime Circle and The Parletones but my music loves range from Bon Jovi ( FAVE BAND EVER!) to Indie music like Mumford and Sons etc. 

I also love Christmas and would welcome any deccies to put up around the house, especially this year as Ashton will be one and will love sparkly things to look at.

Anyhoo, that is all for now, hope you have a fabby week! I am turning 35 tomorrow…GAH and it is the first birthday that I am not stupid excited for…getting old does SUCK!!

Bok x

Written in the Stars??

I am struggling a bit this month…I don’t know whether it is due to the fact that it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month or that I am weaning myself off the 6 month course of AD’s that I took…or both! Either way I am feeling lower than I have for the last 8 months or so. I am definitely not going to go back onto AD’s, it has been such a hard process to wean off them, so I am going to have to deal with this head on.

Another date which is creeping up on us, is our 8th Wedding Anniversary, which is on the 15th October…always a joyous day of celebration, until this year. The 15th October also happens to be Remembrance day for Infant and Pregnancy loss. 

On the 15th October 2003, my Gorgeous Man and I got engaged on the top of Table Mountain in Cape Town. We did swift calculations and worked out that the 15th October 2005 was a Saturday, so we set the date right there and then. This leads me to think, once again, that all that happened to us was written in the stars. I don’t know if that depresses me more or not, I am a bit confused by it all at the moment.

I kinda hate that the day we once spent remembering our happy day fondly, by watching our wedding video and flipping through the albums and talking about things long forgotten, has now been tainted by the worst thing that could ever happen to a couple. Now, instead of going out for a celebratory supper, I feel that I need to be home to light a candle as per http://www.october15th.com

 

Don’t take my upset as an unwillingness to celebrate Eloise’s life. I love her with all my heart and thinking about her brings me joy and sadness equally but, her anniversary is also creeping up on us and that is the day I wish to choose to spend with her and all things that remind me of her. I think what I am saying is, that I don’t need to be forced to remember her, but at the same time, I want to support others who have gone through the same thing, so I am torn.

Apparently the statistic is that 1 in 4 women will experience the loss of a child through infant and pregnancy loss.

That statistic breaks my heart into tiny little pieces and so, it is for all of us who have been to hell and back, that I will put my big girl panties on and take a stand on the 15th October. I can celebrate my marriage every day through hugs and kisses and time spent with my Lovely Man.

This day is bigger than just us….

I AM 1 IN 4

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Bok x

To the love of my life…

My Darling D

A year ago today, was the happiest day of our lives… the day we had our very first + appear on a home pregnancy test. Just reading back on here, to that day and I can remember it like it was yesterday. We were crying with happiness and wonder at the gift we had been given and had to pinch ourselves to make sure that it was real.

Today, just 12 months from there, we have been to hell and back. Ashton is the biggest blessing we could ever have imagined but, for 12 months we have been on an emotional rollercoaster of massive proportions and so it is only to be expected that we may have lost ourselves a little, along the way.

I love you more today than I did 12 months ago. I love you for the strength you showed when we found out about Eloise’s condition and the vulnerability you showed when you started to understand, why letting her go, would be the best thing for her. I love you for the thousands of tears you shed for our little girl and I love you most of all, for the touching and brutally honest account of her birth, that you wrote and allowed me to share on here for all to see.

This song pretty much sums up why I am the luckiest girl around: (I have taken out the choruses)

EMILE SANDE – NEXT TO ME

You won’t find him drinking at the tables
rolling dice and staying out til 3
you won’t ever find him being unfaithful
you will find him, you’ll find him next to me

You won’t find him trying to chase the devil
for money, fame, for power, out of grief
you won’t ever find him where the rest go
you will find him, you’ll find him next to me

When the money’s spent and all my friends have vanished
and I can’t seem to find no help or love for free
I know there’s no need for me to panic
cause i’ll find him, i’ll find him next to me

When the skies are grey and all the doors are closing
and the rising pressure makes it hard to breathe
well, all I need is a hand to stop the tears from falling
I will find him, will find him next to me

When the end has come and buildings falling down fast
when we spoilt the land and dried up all the sea
when everyone has lost their heads around us
you will find him you’ll find him next to me

Never in my life have i met someone like him
I’m blown away by his love for me
if you ever wonder where it is you’ll find him
you will find him, you will find him next to me

I love you and I am so lucky that you chose me as your partner in life.

I am even luckier that you fight to make sure that you are the one I go to sleep next to at night and the first person I see every morning. You are always by my side… when it matters and when it doesn’t, when I deserve it and when I don’t. That is just the way you are built and I am eternally grateful for that.

My promise to you now, in front of cyber world as my witnesses… I will strive to be as good a person as you already think I am, the best wife to you that I know I can be and your partner for eternity.

I love you always and forever,

Your Soulmate xxx

Message received loud and clear…

Some regular readers may remember a year or so ago, when one of my BFF’s excluded us from her child’s birthday party for the age old reason “because you don’t have children”.

Well, it took a long time, but I eventually let her back into the fold. It was around the time we got pregnant with Eloise and so I didn’t want any negativity around me. I explained why what she did hurt so much and she said she understood and didnt do it deliberately and was sorry blah blah blah….

Fast forward to March and the day I finally got given our Court date. Hubby was away in USA and I wanted to tell SOMEONE, you all know what it’s like when you get great news, you just want to shout it out from the rooftops!! So, the date was the 10th April and we had already decided that we were going to hold off on having our adoption party/baby shower until the 90 days had passed AND we had signed everything at court. I wasn’t going to wait a second longer than I needed to though and so I immediately sent out a “Save the Date” email to family and friends.

We have a large family and so we decided to split the 2 parties… family first on the 13th April and then friends on the 20th.

My “BFF” immediately emailed me back saying that she would have to get back to me, as it was her birthday and she was planning a party. I knew it was her birthday but, as she hadn’t mentioned anything about a party, I thought she would be very happy to celebrate with our special boy….WRONG!!!! So, I offered to postpone to the 27th and heard NOTHING.

A few days later another friend mentioned that T had had a bitch to her about the fact that I obviously had forgotten her birthday…so I sent T another email explaining that I hadn’t forgotten and, if she was dead set against celebrating together with A, then we would postpone, but she must just let me know….NOTHING came back, so I left it.

Fast forward a few weeks and another friend rang me to let me know that the email invite to T’s birthday party ON THE 20TH, had gone out…..to all the same peeps we had sent the save the date to. WELL, I have never seen red so much as I did then!! How bloody dare she!!

Luckily I was with my stunning friend S at the time and she talked me off the ledge a bit but I just couldn’t help saying something to her…so I mailed her a single line:

“message received loud and clear”

A few hours later, I received a mail back saying something along the lines of “excuse me, but I am allowed to celebrate my life too”. Shoooo weeeee, you could see the smoke coming out my ears!!! I explained to her as nicely as I could that I had OFFERED to postpone and had heard nothing and now, by doing this, she is making everyone choose and, not between her and me BUT between her and Ashton, which I thought was disgusting!

What did she come back with? Well, some utter tripe about me using A as a pawn and I should be celebrating him now and not waiting for a piece of paper etc etc etc.

Suffice to say, she is fully REMOVED from my Christmas card list, never to be reinstated again!

Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice…

 

The Day both our Babies came home…

As you know if you have read back in my blog or followed for awhile, we have been on the Adoption list since 15th November 2011. We have always wanted to adopt, even if we were blessed with a biological baby and so we remained on the list during our pregnancy. That meant that we were on RACAP for a potential match but, our SW did not put our profile forward to any birth parents in that time.

Following on from the devastating loss of Eloise, on 22nd November, we touched base with our Social Worker and told her everything. We wanted to meet up with her to discuss everything face to face, but she had to have dental surgery and was out of commission for a few weeks. When she sent me a what’s app on the 14th December, asking me to call her, I rang her back thinking that it was to make a time for us all to meet up.

She asked me how we were doing and I told her we were getting by day by day and working through our loss, together, the best way we know how. She asked me if D was home (which I thought was a bit odd) and I said, no, he is on his way from the office (it was 5pm ish that she called). Then she said the words we have been waiting, what seems like our whole lives, to hear…. THERE IS A BABY!!!!!!!

Now, I have imagined getting THE CALL hundreds, if not thousands of times over the past year…I avidly read blogs and other people’s accounts of when they received THE CALL and, in my head, I burst into floods of happy tears and float off to baby city with D to spend thousands on stocking up the nursery, before heading out to meet our destiny, our baby.

What I felt in reality though, was just shock. Complete and utter shock at the timing and it wasn’t tears of joy that fell, but rather more tears of pain and loss. This was not right…why weren’t we, after all that we have been through, even allowed to experience the joy that THE CALL should bring?? Without hesitating at my shocked silence, Zoe said immediately that it was a Baby Boy and went on to explain that she hadn’t even wanted to put our profile forward but, as there were 11 other profiles being put forward, she knew our chances of being picked were slim. She said she never would have put us forward for a girl, as she knows it would’ve been far too difficult for us. Finally I found my voice and asked if he had been born yet and she said yes, he was born on the 8th December, was currently in a place of safety and the earliest that we would be able to pick him up, would be the following Tuesday (this was a Friday). She went on to say that D and I must discuss it fully, as the timing is obviously very soon, when our hearts are still so very broken and that, if we felt that we weren’t ready, there were 2 other families lined up, so we didn’t have to feel guilty about saying no, but that the birth mom had been delighted with our profile (later on I discovered that this was due in part to our age and my big family, as well as the similarities she picked up on with our lifestyle). I said that I would talk it through with D and would call her back in the morning.

I hung up and called him straight away. When I told him that I had heard from Zoe, he knew from my tone of voice that it wasn’t just for an appointment to see her, I told him there was a baby boy out there and he said that he was around the corner and would be home soon. He walked in with a pale, shocked face which mirrored my own and said he was in complete disbelief… could our dreams have been completely obliterated and then go on to come true, all in the space of 3.5 weeks??

We stayed up all night talking it through, we needed to make sure that we could cope with the demands of a newborn, as well as process the grief and properly mourn Eloise. The conclusion we came to was that this baby had been sent directly to us, by our little Angel. She had answered our prayers to her, asking that  would come back to us one day, by sending us this precious soul. We also think that, maybe the Lord sent her to us for such a short time, to see if we were ready to be the most special of parents… Adoptive Parents… and, by showing complete selflessness in letting her go, He has rewarded us.

So, we met with our SW on Saturday 15th December, talked it through with her, heard about the BM’s circumstances… and agreed to pick our Son up on Tuesday 18th Dec!! He would then be 10 days old. The next 2 days were spent frantically shopping and borrowing stuff for the nursery that we had just dismantled. Thank goodness our nephew was only 5.5 months old and so we could have a lot of his newborn clothes and moses basket and one of my friends had kept her cot and compactum from her kids, even though her youngest is now 4. Coupled with my special friend Sim tracking down a pram and car seat and a boatload of bottles, we were pretty much set!

On the 18th, we first took a trip to Thom Kight funeral home, to pick Eloise up and bring her home… it was only fair that she be home first. We had bought her the most beautiful trinket box with Dragon Flies on it, symbolic for us as we have seen so many of them over past 3 weeks and we live nowhere near water… plus they are symbolic of a short life, well lived, just as hers was. We also found a gorgeous heart locket, so we had some of her ashes sealed in that and the rest in the trinket box… she will now forever be near my heart, as well as in it. We spent some time at home with her, before setting out to pick her brother up. It was a very bittersweet and emotional day, during which, both our babies came home.

(At the time of writing this) he has been home for 6 nights and we are slowly finding our feet. He is obviously bottle fed and so DH and I have been taking it in turns and the place of safety he was in had gotten him into the most marvellous routine, so it really hasn’t been too hard. We have managed a few hours unbroken sleep a night and I have mostly managed a snooze in the day too! He is a little star. My emotions are at times all over the place and I have the odd little cry over the fact that it is not Eloise who I am tucking in at night, who I am comforting and raining kisses on, but I know that is normal and I let the emotions out when I need to, as it is the only way to deal with it properly. I didn’t have the instant flash of love, as many of you have experienced, but I know that is normal for our circumstances too and I will grow to love him in the same all-encompassing way that I love E, I just need to give it time. There is also obviously the remainder of the 60 days which we have to bear in mind and, after the “bad luck” that we have had recently, my head can’t stop telling me that this could all come crashing down at any point before the 6th Feb… also the birth father is not in the picture, so we actually have 90 days to wait till it can become official. I really do hope that I won’t let the fear of the “what if” and the hurt and pain that could come, stop me from bonding fully with him.

We are relieved that he is a bouncing boy, as shopping for baby girl things, would currently be too much for our battered hearts to bear. Also, as he is a boy, there is less of a feeling of “replacing” Eloise and more comfort to be taken in the fact that she sent him to us. We have to accept that this is God’s will, we will never forget her, we will tell her brother all about her, we will buy a decoration for her every Christmas and a present every birthday and Christmas. When we are ready, we will donate the presents bought for her, to a Children’s home, in her name. More than likely, we will take a family trip to Cape Town, where there is a home for children with Hydrocephalus and we will give the toys to them…. it will be nice to wait until her brother is at an age to understand (and, by then, we will have a nice pile of toys to donate!). She will forever remain a part of our family.

I will post an update soon, as to how our beautiful Ashton has integrated himself into our family, in such a way, that we know he was always destined to be our little boy.

Thanks to all of you out in the blogosphere for all your support and messages over the past few months, they were always lovely to read and, during the difficult times, gave us the push we needed to get through another day.

xx

Ashton

Ashton ❤