40 good deeds at 40!

So, today I turn 40. We had beautiful rain in Joburg last night and it was very symbolic for me, washing away the remnants of my thirties and allowing my new decade to start fresh and with a clean slate.

I spent some time last night, letting the last remaining ghosts go and I woke up feeling happy and mentally light and ready to start this new chapter with a bang! I also got thoroughly spoilt by my 2 boys, both of whom I am so grateful for.

Today I am also revealing my pledge for this year…. to carry out 40 good deeds at 40. I am telling this to the blogosphere so I have some accountability 🙂 as it will pretty much need to be a good deed a week, to allow for some holidays and downtime etc.

I know what I am doing for my first good deed and will reveal it shortly. Just 39 more to think up! I really can’t wait to do some good in this tough and sometimes downright vicious world we live in today.

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On the eve of my 40th Birthday

If I think back 10 years ago, as I stood on the cusp of my 30th birthday, I was not dealing with the thought of being 30, very well. In fact, we ended up going to America and spending my day in Disney World, immersed in the ultimate place for the young and young at heart, just so I could keep my mind off the fact that I was aging horribly.

There was only 1 reason for my fear of turning 30….my infertility. 

Turning 30 whilst still TTC, is hard, that’s all there is to it. The blueprint I had for my life, had worked out to a point:

  1. Travel the world – CHECK
  2. Find love of my life – CHECK
  3. Marry love of my life – CHECK
  4. Have babies before 30 – NO POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST TO BE SEEN

And so, as I approached 30, we were stuck in the limbo that is infertility and, had already been there for 3 years. Little was I to know that, it would still be 5 long years until our journey came to an end and, another 5 years after that, to get over all the mental and physical issues, brought on by that roller coaster journey.

What I mean by that is, you don’t ever avoid battle scars when travelling down the road of infertility. Some are physical ie: weight gain, laparoscopy scars, caesarean scars etc and, some are mental ie: guilt, anxiety and depression.

I only realised recently that I have kept myself 15kg overweight, ever since 2012, as some sort of punishment to myself, for what happened to Eloise. Only once I dealt with my guilt, head on, could I focus on a healthier lifestyle and, have since lost 12kg.

I also drank too much and hung out with people who didn’t bring out the best in me as, on a subconscious level, I didn’t think I deserved anything more than that. Since looking at my demons right in the eye, I have finally rid my life of unhealthy “friendships” and am focusing on friends who build me up, instead of tearing me down.

And so, because of this long overdue transformation, turning 40, is a different beast altogether. At last, I have been able to let go of the ghosts that haunted me throughout my thirties and I am finding my way back to me. I couldn’t be more excited about what this decade has in store for me. As cliche as it sounds, I really am feeling that my life will begin at 40.

If you are stuck in the cycle of grief, even after achieving your family, please make sure that you work through it sooner rather than later, for your sake and the sake of your family. Don’t beat yourself up for another 5 years like I did and, potentially miss out on some wonderful experiences with your family that you worked so hard for! Chat to a psychologist, or someone who has also been through infertility and/or loss. Join a support group, do a course, just do whatever you can to get back to you. Sending love to you xx