Familyversary

On the 18th of December 2012, our baby boy came home.

We call this day our Familyversary, a phrase that I love and which I borrowed from another adoptive parent.

However, after Maverick passed away suddenly on Monday, we really didn’t feel in the mood for celebrating much on Wednesday, especially with our family being 1 short.

Some people wont understand how dogs can creep into your heart and stay there, just as much as a human can, but that is how I feel about my dogs. Especially Maverick, as we got him after our first failed ivf and always referred to him as our first born.

We are really struggling to get our heads around the fact that he has gone and will no longer run round to greet us with his tail wagging like mad, when we come home, or beg us to play, or feed them. We find ourselves feeding the dogs later and later because it was his job to remind us.

So, we forgave ourselves for not going overboard with the celebrating on our Familyversary. We actually took a trip to home affairs, with our recently aquired adoption order, to start the change of his name to ours, so a big step forward in nearing the end of the adoption procedure at last. We then spent the rest of the day thanking our lucky stars for bringing him to us last year, I am not sure if we would have made it through 2013 without him.

So, there you have it my boy, our first familyversary kind of flew under the radar…Mommy promises to do better next year.

xx

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Anniversary of The Call

A year ago we found out of your existence my Gorgeous Boy. Our lives were literally turned upside down within a teeny tiny minute.

On Sunday you turned 1 and we celebrated with family and friends and I marvelled once again how time does fly. I promise I will take time this December to sit every day and just drink you in, to set these memories in concrete.

I love you my boy, so much.

Mommy xxx
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To our Darling Birth Mom

Our boy turned 1 today!

Never have I been more grateful for what you gave up, to make our dreams come true.

I watched our boy today through privileged eyes. He is such a confident, happy little soul and is completely gorgeous and that is down to both of us…you and me, together, we have done a great job!!

I am sorry you are hurting today but please know that you were in our thoughts all day as we celebrated this milestone, thanks to your generous heart.

Thank you thank you THANK YOU, we will be forever grateful.

Lots of love xxx

Message received loud and clear…

Some regular readers may remember a year or so ago, when one of my BFF’s excluded us from her child’s birthday party for the age old reason “because you don’t have children”.

Well, it took a long time, but I eventually let her back into the fold. It was around the time we got pregnant with Eloise and so I didn’t want any negativity around me. I explained why what she did hurt so much and she said she understood and didnt do it deliberately and was sorry blah blah blah….

Fast forward to March and the day I finally got given our Court date. Hubby was away in USA and I wanted to tell SOMEONE, you all know what it’s like when you get great news, you just want to shout it out from the rooftops!! So, the date was the 10th April and we had already decided that we were going to hold off on having our adoption party/baby shower until the 90 days had passed AND we had signed everything at court. I wasn’t going to wait a second longer than I needed to though and so I immediately sent out a “Save the Date” email to family and friends.

We have a large family and so we decided to split the 2 parties… family first on the 13th April and then friends on the 20th.

My “BFF” immediately emailed me back saying that she would have to get back to me, as it was her birthday and she was planning a party. I knew it was her birthday but, as she hadn’t mentioned anything about a party, I thought she would be very happy to celebrate with our special boy….WRONG!!!! So, I offered to postpone to the 27th and heard NOTHING.

A few days later another friend mentioned that T had had a bitch to her about the fact that I obviously had forgotten her birthday…so I sent T another email explaining that I hadn’t forgotten and, if she was dead set against celebrating together with A, then we would postpone, but she must just let me know….NOTHING came back, so I left it.

Fast forward a few weeks and another friend rang me to let me know that the email invite to T’s birthday party ON THE 20TH, had gone out…..to all the same peeps we had sent the save the date to. WELL, I have never seen red so much as I did then!! How bloody dare she!!

Luckily I was with my stunning friend S at the time and she talked me off the ledge a bit but I just couldn’t help saying something to her…so I mailed her a single line:

“message received loud and clear”

A few hours later, I received a mail back saying something along the lines of “excuse me, but I am allowed to celebrate my life too”. Shoooo weeeee, you could see the smoke coming out my ears!!! I explained to her as nicely as I could that I had OFFERED to postpone and had heard nothing and now, by doing this, she is making everyone choose and, not between her and me BUT between her and Ashton, which I thought was disgusting!

What did she come back with? Well, some utter tripe about me using A as a pawn and I should be celebrating him now and not waiting for a piece of paper etc etc etc.

Suffice to say, she is fully REMOVED from my Christmas card list, never to be reinstated again!

Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice…

 

The Day both our Babies came home…

As you know if you have read back in my blog or followed for awhile, we have been on the Adoption list since 15th November 2011. We have always wanted to adopt, even if we were blessed with a biological baby and so we remained on the list during our pregnancy. That meant that we were on RACAP for a potential match but, our SW did not put our profile forward to any birth parents in that time.

Following on from the devastating loss of Eloise, on 22nd November, we touched base with our Social Worker and told her everything. We wanted to meet up with her to discuss everything face to face, but she had to have dental surgery and was out of commission for a few weeks. When she sent me a what’s app on the 14th December, asking me to call her, I rang her back thinking that it was to make a time for us all to meet up.

She asked me how we were doing and I told her we were getting by day by day and working through our loss, together, the best way we know how. She asked me if D was home (which I thought was a bit odd) and I said, no, he is on his way from the office (it was 5pm ish that she called). Then she said the words we have been waiting, what seems like our whole lives, to hear…. THERE IS A BABY!!!!!!!

Now, I have imagined getting THE CALL hundreds, if not thousands of times over the past year…I avidly read blogs and other people’s accounts of when they received THE CALL and, in my head, I burst into floods of happy tears and float off to baby city with D to spend thousands on stocking up the nursery, before heading out to meet our destiny, our baby.

What I felt in reality though, was just shock. Complete and utter shock at the timing and it wasn’t tears of joy that fell, but rather more tears of pain and loss. This was not right…why weren’t we, after all that we have been through, even allowed to experience the joy that THE CALL should bring?? Without hesitating at my shocked silence, Zoe said immediately that it was a Baby Boy and went on to explain that she hadn’t even wanted to put our profile forward but, as there were 11 other profiles being put forward, she knew our chances of being picked were slim. She said she never would have put us forward for a girl, as she knows it would’ve been far too difficult for us. Finally I found my voice and asked if he had been born yet and she said yes, he was born on the 8th December, was currently in a place of safety and the earliest that we would be able to pick him up, would be the following Tuesday (this was a Friday). She went on to say that D and I must discuss it fully, as the timing is obviously very soon, when our hearts are still so very broken and that, if we felt that we weren’t ready, there were 2 other families lined up, so we didn’t have to feel guilty about saying no, but that the birth mom had been delighted with our profile (later on I discovered that this was due in part to our age and my big family, as well as the similarities she picked up on with our lifestyle). I said that I would talk it through with D and would call her back in the morning.

I hung up and called him straight away. When I told him that I had heard from Zoe, he knew from my tone of voice that it wasn’t just for an appointment to see her, I told him there was a baby boy out there and he said that he was around the corner and would be home soon. He walked in with a pale, shocked face which mirrored my own and said he was in complete disbelief… could our dreams have been completely obliterated and then go on to come true, all in the space of 3.5 weeks??

We stayed up all night talking it through, we needed to make sure that we could cope with the demands of a newborn, as well as process the grief and properly mourn Eloise. The conclusion we came to was that this baby had been sent directly to us, by our little Angel. She had answered our prayers to her, asking that  would come back to us one day, by sending us this precious soul. We also think that, maybe the Lord sent her to us for such a short time, to see if we were ready to be the most special of parents… Adoptive Parents… and, by showing complete selflessness in letting her go, He has rewarded us.

So, we met with our SW on Saturday 15th December, talked it through with her, heard about the BM’s circumstances… and agreed to pick our Son up on Tuesday 18th Dec!! He would then be 10 days old. The next 2 days were spent frantically shopping and borrowing stuff for the nursery that we had just dismantled. Thank goodness our nephew was only 5.5 months old and so we could have a lot of his newborn clothes and moses basket and one of my friends had kept her cot and compactum from her kids, even though her youngest is now 4. Coupled with my special friend Sim tracking down a pram and car seat and a boatload of bottles, we were pretty much set!

On the 18th, we first took a trip to Thom Kight funeral home, to pick Eloise up and bring her home… it was only fair that she be home first. We had bought her the most beautiful trinket box with Dragon Flies on it, symbolic for us as we have seen so many of them over past 3 weeks and we live nowhere near water… plus they are symbolic of a short life, well lived, just as hers was. We also found a gorgeous heart locket, so we had some of her ashes sealed in that and the rest in the trinket box… she will now forever be near my heart, as well as in it. We spent some time at home with her, before setting out to pick her brother up. It was a very bittersweet and emotional day, during which, both our babies came home.

(At the time of writing this) he has been home for 6 nights and we are slowly finding our feet. He is obviously bottle fed and so DH and I have been taking it in turns and the place of safety he was in had gotten him into the most marvellous routine, so it really hasn’t been too hard. We have managed a few hours unbroken sleep a night and I have mostly managed a snooze in the day too! He is a little star. My emotions are at times all over the place and I have the odd little cry over the fact that it is not Eloise who I am tucking in at night, who I am comforting and raining kisses on, but I know that is normal and I let the emotions out when I need to, as it is the only way to deal with it properly. I didn’t have the instant flash of love, as many of you have experienced, but I know that is normal for our circumstances too and I will grow to love him in the same all-encompassing way that I love E, I just need to give it time. There is also obviously the remainder of the 60 days which we have to bear in mind and, after the “bad luck” that we have had recently, my head can’t stop telling me that this could all come crashing down at any point before the 6th Feb… also the birth father is not in the picture, so we actually have 90 days to wait till it can become official. I really do hope that I won’t let the fear of the “what if” and the hurt and pain that could come, stop me from bonding fully with him.

We are relieved that he is a bouncing boy, as shopping for baby girl things, would currently be too much for our battered hearts to bear. Also, as he is a boy, there is less of a feeling of “replacing” Eloise and more comfort to be taken in the fact that she sent him to us. We have to accept that this is God’s will, we will never forget her, we will tell her brother all about her, we will buy a decoration for her every Christmas and a present every birthday and Christmas. When we are ready, we will donate the presents bought for her, to a Children’s home, in her name. More than likely, we will take a family trip to Cape Town, where there is a home for children with Hydrocephalus and we will give the toys to them…. it will be nice to wait until her brother is at an age to understand (and, by then, we will have a nice pile of toys to donate!). She will forever remain a part of our family.

I will post an update soon, as to how our beautiful Ashton has integrated himself into our family, in such a way, that we know he was always destined to be our little boy.

Thanks to all of you out in the blogosphere for all your support and messages over the past few months, they were always lovely to read and, during the difficult times, gave us the push we needed to get through another day.

xx

Ashton

Ashton ❤

 

 

Because you don’t have children…

…have to be the most hurtful words that an infertile can hear or the most hurtful reason that anyone can give an infertile, for not including them in something, or inviting them somewhere.

Despite the pain those words cause, I hear them quite often and, as you can probably guess, they were the words I heard in relation to my missing invite to my bff’s kids’ party. My other bff confronted her and those were the very words she used… one of my closest friends, one of the only people in the world who know what we are going through/have been through and she used the very words that hurt more than any others.

I’m hurting so much at the moment… I really hope our friendship survives this. I know there is no way she could know the pain those words bring, no one who hasn’t been down this path knows that pain, but I can’t help the way that I am feeling either.

Guess we’ll all have to watch this space, to see how things pan out…

Maybe….just maybe!

Posted by me on Friday, on http://www.fertilicare.org:

“You know how, when you’re on the list, your SW’s don’t tell you each and every time someone looks at your profile?? Well, today, we found out that, at 2pm, someone would be viewing our profile….

A few weeks ago, we picked up our profile, to update it (we have rescued a dog from the SPCA and thought he should be in it),but you know how time goes and we still haven’t gotten round to doing it (incidentally we said this morning that we’d do it tonight and get it back to her tomorrow). So, we have a bit of a stressful morning this morning (our gardener decided it would be a great idea to take our dogs out for a walk…on one of the biggest main roads around and hubby spotted him!!!) and, when I eventually got back to my desk, I had a message from our SW’s maid reminding me to bring the album back. I rang her and apologised and said that we would bring it tomorrow…she said that Monday would prob be better, as she will be in all day to let me in. Something then told me to message Zoe (SW) and so I sent her one apologising for taking so long. So, she replied to say that it is ok, she just didn’t want us to miss out!!! So, I said that, if she ever needs our profile back, I could get it to her in 20 mins…to which she replied…BRING IT NOW!!!! So, I cancelled my afternoon appointments and zoomed home, picked up the profile, plus the loose pics that we had ready to put in and a glue stick and drove like the wind, the 20kms to her house. I got there at 13:22pm. Veronica (maid) came out and said that she is sorry that she couldn’t tell me to bring it today, but she was glad I contacted Zoe. I asked what time they/she/he (no idea on details) were coming and she said 2pm!! So, I glued the pics in outside her house, gave our profile a good luck kiss and zoomed away!!!”

Posted by me now, continuing the story…

“So, when I left Zoe’s house, I went and sat round the corner, at a lovely dog walking spot that I knew and made a few phone calls, asking for lots of prayers and good vibes to be sent at 2pm. I group messaged my closest friends who were all beyond excited for me and I phoned my Mom and Sister. Then I sat with tears streaming down my face, remembering that my Gran had said to me during that psychic session, that we would be happy in May and again in September….could this be the reason that we would be happy in May?? COULD THIS BE OUR TIME??

I prayed alot and spoke to my Gran, asking for a sign that this would be it. Then, when I couldn’t sit still any longer, I went to the supermarket nearby (so I would be in close enough proximity to still send my own good vibes) and proceeded see a bunch of boy children, ranging from 2 months-5yrs old (my Gran “said” we were going to have 2 boys), which is not unusual for a supermarket in the middle of the day but, how I encountered them was a bit bizarre… One was abandoned in his push chair, blocking the aisle to the till (I thought to myself that, if his Mom only knew a fraction of the emotional and vulnerable state that I was in, there is no way that she would’ve left her son unattended!!) I stood behind him frozen to the spot for a full 30 seconds, before his 3 year old brother came and moved him. Then there was a boy riding on the trolley with his Mom, who waved at me and watched me very intently, his eyes following me the whole way to my car and another that I encountered in the parking loft who gave me a big grin and a chuckle (kids don’t usually pay me any attention)…could those have been the signs? COULD THIS BE OUR TIME??

So, as you can imagine, when I got home that evening I was a bit of a gibbering idiot!! I asked my hubby if I should pester Zoe (SW) and ask her for feedback and he agreed that I should. So, I messaged her and said that, although I know that we aren’t supposed to know that our profile was being viewed but, as we do know, we would love some feedback… she replied by saying that it was very early days with this birth mom, BUT and, here’s the biggy, “we have several BM’s who may look at profiles over next few weeks, so I didn’t want you to miss out”!!! OMG, we go from “hardly any white birth mom’s are out there”, to “several birth mom’s”!!! so, as well as a few others out there who are waiting (im)patiently on the list, maybe this really is OUR TIME!!! 🙂

 

 

Mother’s Day AND a Christening??

So, Sunday is one of the hardest days of the year for us Women trying so very hard to have children… Mothers Day!

As if that wasn’t bad enough though, it turns out that my cousin decided to have her son’s Christening (one of the hardest family celebrations that an infertile has to deal with anyway) on that toughest of days AND my hubby will be away for it!!

I obviously cannot go and listen to a mass celebrating all the mother’s of the world…I’m just not strong enough at the moment and yet, what possible excuse could I come up with when it’s Mothers Day and my Mother will be there? So, I have decided to be honest and just bbm’d her saying that I really can’t face it, sorry!

Guess that’s another family member who will now think I’m nuts…

My new worry… how will the dynamics change?

So, lets say that the past 6 years had panned out as they should have…. we would have 2 kids, one of 6 and one of 4. My 2 closest friends from primary and high school have 2 kids of those ages and, since we have been back in SA, we have reconnected and become close once again (my hubby has also befriended their hubbies and so we are now a group rather than a 3some), so in this scenario, our kids would all be good pals too and we would continue having our weekends at the Vaal and hanging out together for the next 10-20 years.

Now, lets skip to the life that we are actually living….at the moment we are a strong group, we go away for weekends together, the kids love us and all is hunky dory. What happens when we get the call (from my lips to God’s ears)? Or, if what my Gran said, comes true and we have a successful final cycle and it ends up being twins (please, please, please!)…. how will it all work then??

I sat at the Vaal Dam with them all this past Easter weekend and we were discussing what our favourite age has been so far 20’s, 30’s or 40’s (for Kel’s Mom who was there) and my 2 buds agreed that def their 30’s (we’re 33), as all the baby stuff was behind them and now they have got their lives back and that they always wanted to have had their babies by the time they turned 30. It was quite hard to listen to, not because I will mind wiping bums and clearing up puke when it happens BUT because I had also planned that I’d be done with it all by now….

Anyway, I guess time will tell whether our friendship will change….but it is kind of inevitable, no matter how many times they say that it’s cool because the elder kiddies love playing dolly and they will do nappies etc…I need to be a realist and get my head around the fact that, the minute we get that call, or a + sign on a pee stick….the dynamics will shift and when that does eventually happen and 6 years of TTC comes to an end, I doubt that I will want it any other way!