Written in the Stars??

I am struggling a bit this month…I don’t know whether it is due to the fact that it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month or that I am weaning myself off the 6 month course of AD’s that I took…or both! Either way I am feeling lower than I have for the last 8 months or so. I am definitely not going to go back onto AD’s, it has been such a hard process to wean off them, so I am going to have to deal with this head on.

Another date which is creeping up on us, is our 8th Wedding Anniversary, which is on the 15th October…always a joyous day of celebration, until this year. The 15th October also happens to be Remembrance day for Infant and Pregnancy loss. 

On the 15th October 2003, my Gorgeous Man and I got engaged on the top of Table Mountain in Cape Town. We did swift calculations and worked out that the 15th October 2005 was a Saturday, so we set the date right there and then. This leads me to think, once again, that all that happened to us was written in the stars. I don’t know if that depresses me more or not, I am a bit confused by it all at the moment.

I kinda hate that the day we once spent remembering our happy day fondly, by watching our wedding video and flipping through the albums and talking about things long forgotten, has now been tainted by the worst thing that could ever happen to a couple. Now, instead of going out for a celebratory supper, I feel that I need to be home to light a candle as per http://www.october15th.com

 

Don’t take my upset as an unwillingness to celebrate Eloise’s life. I love her with all my heart and thinking about her brings me joy and sadness equally but, her anniversary is also creeping up on us and that is the day I wish to choose to spend with her and all things that remind me of her. I think what I am saying is, that I don’t need to be forced to remember her, but at the same time, I want to support others who have gone through the same thing, so I am torn.

Apparently the statistic is that 1 in 4 women will experience the loss of a child through infant and pregnancy loss.

That statistic breaks my heart into tiny little pieces and so, it is for all of us who have been to hell and back, that I will put my big girl panties on and take a stand on the 15th October. I can celebrate my marriage every day through hugs and kisses and time spent with my Lovely Man.

This day is bigger than just us….

I AM 1 IN 4

Image

Bok x

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To the love of my life…

My Darling D

A year ago today, was the happiest day of our lives… the day we had our very first + appear on a home pregnancy test. Just reading back on here, to that day and I can remember it like it was yesterday. We were crying with happiness and wonder at the gift we had been given and had to pinch ourselves to make sure that it was real.

Today, just 12 months from there, we have been to hell and back. Ashton is the biggest blessing we could ever have imagined but, for 12 months we have been on an emotional rollercoaster of massive proportions and so it is only to be expected that we may have lost ourselves a little, along the way.

I love you more today than I did 12 months ago. I love you for the strength you showed when we found out about Eloise’s condition and the vulnerability you showed when you started to understand, why letting her go, would be the best thing for her. I love you for the thousands of tears you shed for our little girl and I love you most of all, for the touching and brutally honest account of her birth, that you wrote and allowed me to share on here for all to see.

This song pretty much sums up why I am the luckiest girl around: (I have taken out the choruses)

EMILE SANDE – NEXT TO ME

You won’t find him drinking at the tables
rolling dice and staying out til 3
you won’t ever find him being unfaithful
you will find him, you’ll find him next to me

You won’t find him trying to chase the devil
for money, fame, for power, out of grief
you won’t ever find him where the rest go
you will find him, you’ll find him next to me

When the money’s spent and all my friends have vanished
and I can’t seem to find no help or love for free
I know there’s no need for me to panic
cause i’ll find him, i’ll find him next to me

When the skies are grey and all the doors are closing
and the rising pressure makes it hard to breathe
well, all I need is a hand to stop the tears from falling
I will find him, will find him next to me

When the end has come and buildings falling down fast
when we spoilt the land and dried up all the sea
when everyone has lost their heads around us
you will find him you’ll find him next to me

Never in my life have i met someone like him
I’m blown away by his love for me
if you ever wonder where it is you’ll find him
you will find him, you will find him next to me

I love you and I am so lucky that you chose me as your partner in life.

I am even luckier that you fight to make sure that you are the one I go to sleep next to at night and the first person I see every morning. You are always by my side… when it matters and when it doesn’t, when I deserve it and when I don’t. That is just the way you are built and I am eternally grateful for that.

My promise to you now, in front of cyber world as my witnesses… I will strive to be as good a person as you already think I am, the best wife to you that I know I can be and your partner for eternity.

I love you always and forever,

Your Soulmate xxx

The Day both our Babies came home…

As you know if you have read back in my blog or followed for awhile, we have been on the Adoption list since 15th November 2011. We have always wanted to adopt, even if we were blessed with a biological baby and so we remained on the list during our pregnancy. That meant that we were on RACAP for a potential match but, our SW did not put our profile forward to any birth parents in that time.

Following on from the devastating loss of Eloise, on 22nd November, we touched base with our Social Worker and told her everything. We wanted to meet up with her to discuss everything face to face, but she had to have dental surgery and was out of commission for a few weeks. When she sent me a what’s app on the 14th December, asking me to call her, I rang her back thinking that it was to make a time for us all to meet up.

She asked me how we were doing and I told her we were getting by day by day and working through our loss, together, the best way we know how. She asked me if D was home (which I thought was a bit odd) and I said, no, he is on his way from the office (it was 5pm ish that she called). Then she said the words we have been waiting, what seems like our whole lives, to hear…. THERE IS A BABY!!!!!!!

Now, I have imagined getting THE CALL hundreds, if not thousands of times over the past year…I avidly read blogs and other people’s accounts of when they received THE CALL and, in my head, I burst into floods of happy tears and float off to baby city with D to spend thousands on stocking up the nursery, before heading out to meet our destiny, our baby.

What I felt in reality though, was just shock. Complete and utter shock at the timing and it wasn’t tears of joy that fell, but rather more tears of pain and loss. This was not right…why weren’t we, after all that we have been through, even allowed to experience the joy that THE CALL should bring?? Without hesitating at my shocked silence, Zoe said immediately that it was a Baby Boy and went on to explain that she hadn’t even wanted to put our profile forward but, as there were 11 other profiles being put forward, she knew our chances of being picked were slim. She said she never would have put us forward for a girl, as she knows it would’ve been far too difficult for us. Finally I found my voice and asked if he had been born yet and she said yes, he was born on the 8th December, was currently in a place of safety and the earliest that we would be able to pick him up, would be the following Tuesday (this was a Friday). She went on to say that D and I must discuss it fully, as the timing is obviously very soon, when our hearts are still so very broken and that, if we felt that we weren’t ready, there were 2 other families lined up, so we didn’t have to feel guilty about saying no, but that the birth mom had been delighted with our profile (later on I discovered that this was due in part to our age and my big family, as well as the similarities she picked up on with our lifestyle). I said that I would talk it through with D and would call her back in the morning.

I hung up and called him straight away. When I told him that I had heard from Zoe, he knew from my tone of voice that it wasn’t just for an appointment to see her, I told him there was a baby boy out there and he said that he was around the corner and would be home soon. He walked in with a pale, shocked face which mirrored my own and said he was in complete disbelief… could our dreams have been completely obliterated and then go on to come true, all in the space of 3.5 weeks??

We stayed up all night talking it through, we needed to make sure that we could cope with the demands of a newborn, as well as process the grief and properly mourn Eloise. The conclusion we came to was that this baby had been sent directly to us, by our little Angel. She had answered our prayers to her, asking that  would come back to us one day, by sending us this precious soul. We also think that, maybe the Lord sent her to us for such a short time, to see if we were ready to be the most special of parents… Adoptive Parents… and, by showing complete selflessness in letting her go, He has rewarded us.

So, we met with our SW on Saturday 15th December, talked it through with her, heard about the BM’s circumstances… and agreed to pick our Son up on Tuesday 18th Dec!! He would then be 10 days old. The next 2 days were spent frantically shopping and borrowing stuff for the nursery that we had just dismantled. Thank goodness our nephew was only 5.5 months old and so we could have a lot of his newborn clothes and moses basket and one of my friends had kept her cot and compactum from her kids, even though her youngest is now 4. Coupled with my special friend Sim tracking down a pram and car seat and a boatload of bottles, we were pretty much set!

On the 18th, we first took a trip to Thom Kight funeral home, to pick Eloise up and bring her home… it was only fair that she be home first. We had bought her the most beautiful trinket box with Dragon Flies on it, symbolic for us as we have seen so many of them over past 3 weeks and we live nowhere near water… plus they are symbolic of a short life, well lived, just as hers was. We also found a gorgeous heart locket, so we had some of her ashes sealed in that and the rest in the trinket box… she will now forever be near my heart, as well as in it. We spent some time at home with her, before setting out to pick her brother up. It was a very bittersweet and emotional day, during which, both our babies came home.

(At the time of writing this) he has been home for 6 nights and we are slowly finding our feet. He is obviously bottle fed and so DH and I have been taking it in turns and the place of safety he was in had gotten him into the most marvellous routine, so it really hasn’t been too hard. We have managed a few hours unbroken sleep a night and I have mostly managed a snooze in the day too! He is a little star. My emotions are at times all over the place and I have the odd little cry over the fact that it is not Eloise who I am tucking in at night, who I am comforting and raining kisses on, but I know that is normal and I let the emotions out when I need to, as it is the only way to deal with it properly. I didn’t have the instant flash of love, as many of you have experienced, but I know that is normal for our circumstances too and I will grow to love him in the same all-encompassing way that I love E, I just need to give it time. There is also obviously the remainder of the 60 days which we have to bear in mind and, after the “bad luck” that we have had recently, my head can’t stop telling me that this could all come crashing down at any point before the 6th Feb… also the birth father is not in the picture, so we actually have 90 days to wait till it can become official. I really do hope that I won’t let the fear of the “what if” and the hurt and pain that could come, stop me from bonding fully with him.

We are relieved that he is a bouncing boy, as shopping for baby girl things, would currently be too much for our battered hearts to bear. Also, as he is a boy, there is less of a feeling of “replacing” Eloise and more comfort to be taken in the fact that she sent him to us. We have to accept that this is God’s will, we will never forget her, we will tell her brother all about her, we will buy a decoration for her every Christmas and a present every birthday and Christmas. When we are ready, we will donate the presents bought for her, to a Children’s home, in her name. More than likely, we will take a family trip to Cape Town, where there is a home for children with Hydrocephalus and we will give the toys to them…. it will be nice to wait until her brother is at an age to understand (and, by then, we will have a nice pile of toys to donate!). She will forever remain a part of our family.

I will post an update soon, as to how our beautiful Ashton has integrated himself into our family, in such a way, that we know he was always destined to be our little boy.

Thanks to all of you out in the blogosphere for all your support and messages over the past few months, they were always lovely to read and, during the difficult times, gave us the push we needed to get through another day.

xx

Ashton

Ashton ❤

 

 

Why I can’t wait to be your Mommy…

Before we find out whether we are expecting a boy or a girl this weekend, I wanted to list the reasons that I put myself through all that I did, to become a Mommy and it goes something like this:

I CANNOT WAIT TO BE YOUR MOMMY BECAUSE…

  • from the moment that you open your eyes, you will look at me like I am the most important person in the world to you and I will be!
  • when you have an owie, you will want me, your Mommy and no one else will do
  • to play with you will be the most fun Mommy has had since she was a child
  • I will get to teach you all that is fascinating about this world
  • I will get to see Daddy become the best Daddy in the world, just like I have always known he will be
  • I will get to watch you learn new things on a daily basis and be the proudest Mommy in the world
  • I get to have the priviledge to mould you into the best person you can be, to be caring to people and animals and the world, to be funny, loyal and to laugh all the time
  • I will get to read you bed time stories and watch your little face light up with pleasure at the tales
  • I will get to make forts or princess castles with you and watch you play in them for hours
  • watching you sleep will become Mommy’s new favourite pastime
  • because this is why I was put on this earth

I don’t mind whether you are a boy or a girl my darling, I just pray that you are healthy and happy, because you will be loved so much, regardless.

xx

The Highs, The Lows, but at last we are “safe”…

I am sorry for being so neglectful over the past 5 weeks and thanks to Mrs FF for asking after me, I am fine and, yes I am still pregnant.

I was going to do a full post on the reason for my absence…our 7 week scan that indicated that the sac had collapsed and it was all over, BUT I have decided not to dwell on “that” scan, but rather on all the following ones,when our Miracle Baby showed that there is a reason that we believe in God, by growing in leaps and bounds and turning out to be perfect in our 12 week fetal assessment last week!!

So, we have officially reached the relative safety of the 12 week mark, but I still can’t seem to relax! I still dwell on all the possibilities of things going wrong and am basically living from scan to scan BUT, when I am sat waiting for my scans, I am terrified beyond belief that something will be wrong and I want to run screaming from the building!!! If I could have any wish right now (apart from a happy and healthy baby), I would wish for Ignorant Bliss and the pure belief that all will be fine, nothing bad will happen and, in 27 weeks time I will be holding my perfect bundle of joy, similar to most of the happy go lucky “fertiles” out there. BUT I know that my years in the trenches means my innocence as well as my ignorance and it seems my bliss too is long gone…I have seen, heard and experienced far too much heartache for it to be any different.

Perhaps it will all change when I start to look pregnant and start to feel the baby move, but I still have 7 long weeks to get through till that happens. So, until then, I am planning on keeping busy, keeping praying and keeping as positive as possible that all will be well.

xx

Positive and Pregnant

So, after Monday’s beta not doubling debacle, when yesterday dawned, I decided to be positive and NOT to go for another Beta. When my FS came back to me, he discouraged doing more bloods, but instead he said to bring my scan forward from 7 to 6 weeks…which ends up being 5 weeks and 4 days, as we are going away next week, which mean’s that it is on Friday. So it’s not very long to wait until we know once and for all if the pregnancy is viable. Hence the positivity, if I am going to be proven pregnant or otherwise on Friday, then until Friday, I am damned if I’m not going to enjoy every moment of being pregnant, after all… TODAY I AM PREGNANT…even the clear blue digital this morning said so!!

So, my dear friend from fertilicare (a forum that has kept me sane these past few weeks!)… who is a mere 3 days further along than me and who has been such a positive soul during her treatment, keeping a smile on all our faces… kept me busy yesterday and off good ol Dr Google. She had also made the decision to start to enjoy her pregnancy, as she had experienced some spotting but had seen her sac on a scan and her bloods on Monday were over 3000, so she was happy too and yesterday we revelled in our pregnancies. Then, this morning, she miscarried.

I am so sad for her and her husband, she is truly the most special of people, if anyone deserves a baby to love, it’s her…they have been trying for 11 years. My soul is crushed after 6, I can only imagine what 11 feels like.

So, as with IVF, it turns out that pregnancy is a complete numbers game…the fact that it looks positive and like it is all going to plan, means nothing…tomorrow could bring a whole other kind of hell. That being said, I am still going to remain positive and enjoy being pregnant…today.

Never plain sailing….

Just as I was beginning to believe that, perhaps, just maybe, this pregnancy could actually be a reality… I went for my 4th beta today, to find that it didn’t double!! My beta’s have been as follows:

3rd July = 124
5th July = 251
7th July = 544
9th July = 714!!

Plus, yesterday I had sharp pains in my right ovary that lasted 40 mins and happened twice, so now I am panicking about an ectopic….especially as I had a ZIFT and the zygotes were put back in my right tubes 😦

I have emailed my Fertility Specialist and am awaiting his response. The nurse didn’t seem too worried though and said that they don’t need to see me till my scan on the 25th… but I’m like WTH?? 3 beta’s rose perfectly and then it didn’t even go up 50% …why, when we were THIS close to believing that it was actually our time, does something like this have to happen??

Please keep us in your prayers…

Bok xx

THE BETA

Ok, so after recovering from the shock of seeing the + appear on the HPT (after all these years, that is truly something that I never thought I would see), I got my arse into the car and zoomed to the clinic for a beta test…there was just NO way I was waiting till thurs!

They rang me with the news and I will never forget the nurses word’s… “you’re pregnant”!!! So I asked about the levels and she countered with a “why did you test early? Did you do a urine test?” Ummmmm, nooooo (great way to start the pregnancy hey, by lying! Kid(s), do not follow Mommy’s example!!) So I told her it was because I had terrible cramps last night (true) and, as it was 14 days since our egg retrieval, I figured that it really wasn’t too early and I didn’t want to wait till Thurs. She accepted that and told me my levels… now I was hoping for anything around 100 as that would be a strong beta and not cause more sleepless nights and, drum roll please…. they are 124!! We are very relieved and cannot believe that we have made it this far… THANK YOU GOD!! I know my Gran is probably sitting up there saying “I told you so!” so, Gran, I am sorry that I doubted you!

Thursday we do a repeat beta and pray that it doubles…this waiting game is far from over!