On the eve of my 40th Birthday

If I think back 10 years ago, as I stood on the cusp of my 30th birthday, I was not dealing with the thought of being 30, very well. In fact, we ended up going to America and spending my day in Disney World, immersed in the ultimate place for the young and young at heart, just so I could keep my mind off the fact that I was aging horribly.

There was only 1 reason for my fear of turning 30….my infertility. 

Turning 30 whilst still TTC, is hard, that’s all there is to it. The blueprint I had for my life, had worked out to a point:

  1. Travel the world – CHECK
  2. Find love of my life – CHECK
  3. Marry love of my life – CHECK
  4. Have babies before 30 – NO POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST TO BE SEEN

And so, as I approached 30, we were stuck in the limbo that is infertility and, had already been there for 3 years. Little was I to know that, it would still be 5 long years until our journey came to an end and, another 5 years after that, to get over all the mental and physical issues, brought on by that roller coaster journey.

What I mean by that is, you don’t ever avoid battle scars when travelling down the road of infertility. Some are physical ie: weight gain, laparoscopy scars, caesarean scars etc and, some are mental ie: guilt, anxiety and depression.

I only realised recently that I have kept myself 15kg overweight, ever since 2012, as some sort of punishment to myself, for what happened to Eloise. Only once I dealt with my guilt, head on, could I focus on a healthier lifestyle and, have since lost 12kg.

I also drank too much and hung out with people who didn’t bring out the best in me as, on a subconscious level, I didn’t think I deserved anything more than that. Since looking at my demons right in the eye, I have finally rid my life of unhealthy “friendships” and am focusing on friends who build me up, instead of tearing me down.

And so, because of this long overdue transformation, turning 40, is a different beast altogether. At last, I have been able to let go of the ghosts that haunted me throughout my thirties and I am finding my way back to me. I couldn’t be more excited about what this decade has in store for me. As cliche as it sounds, I really am feeling that my life will begin at 40.

If you are stuck in the cycle of grief, even after achieving your family, please make sure that you work through it sooner rather than later, for your sake and the sake of your family. Don’t beat yourself up for another 5 years like I did and, potentially miss out on some wonderful experiences with your family that you worked so hard for! Chat to a psychologist, or someone who has also been through infertility and/or loss. Join a support group, do a course, just do whatever you can to get back to you. Sending love to you xx

Losing a sense of oneself

I met with someone the other day, who is still firmly in the trenches of infertility and, talking about her experiences, forced me to go back to a place that I don’t often go back to these days, because it’s still too painful.

Talking about all the things that we women go through when trying for a baby and I am not even talking about the physical rigours, but rather the emotional ones, made me think:  Can we really remain the same person we were at the beginning of the journey, when eventually we make it out the other side, all emotionally fucked and 15kgs heavier? The answer is easy….HELL NO WE CAN’T!

Now, although I quite like the person I am today, it has led me to wonder what kind of a person I would be without my infertility journey.

  1. Would I be less cynical? I am sure that I would be  and more naive about the horrors that are out there in this life. It is the one time in life when ignorance really would be bliss.
  2. Would I be slimmer? I was always slim growing up. Then I went to the UK and ate all the pies but, I was still at least 20kg less when I met my husband, than what I am today. Be it the drugs we pump into ourselves, or the comfort food we turn to when we are faced with yet another failed cycle, myself and some of my IF friends, look like we ate the people we were prior to IF!!
  3. Would I be happier with myself? Slimmer automatically equals happier with yourself so, ja, you do the math!
  4. Would I be as in love with my husband? I loved him madly before IF but, what we went through really cemented our relationship. I see friends going through horrible divorces, for some of the most arbitrary reasons and I know that that will never happen to D and I. Our bond deepened over the loss of Eloise and, once you get past something like that, nothing will tear you apart.
  5. Would I be as empathetic to others? I have always had a soft spot for animals and rescue case humans but, again, I think I have much more patience and willingness to help than I did before. Perhaps I could call it, being less selfish.

Apart from the cynicism and being a fatso, I guess I have changed for the better. Would I like to be a skinny and more positive chick? Of course yes but, then I would also lose all that I have gained too: My empathy, my loyalty, my need to give back and to help make others’ journeys not quite as tough (through IFAASA ) and, most importantly, my deep bond with my wonderful Hubby.

I guess that is why I have a good group of infertile friends. We each recognise a bit of ourselves in each other. The slightly broken and forever changed part.


When are you going to have another child?

When did we, as humans, become so flippen judgmental?

Over the 6 years that we tried to conceive for, we were constantly judged on why we didn’t have kids yet, people did not hesitate to ask us personal questions regarding this fact, from literally the day we got married. When we came out of the closet regarding our infertility, the questions from those nearest and dearest to us stopped, strangers however, thought nothing about asking us when we were going to have kids.

Now that we have A, the questions have started about when we are going to be having a 2nd child. Even those who know all that we have been through, think nothing of asking us whether we are going to adopt again, or go through another cycle of IVF. Why cant people just leave us be?

Just yesterday, I faced the question in 3 different formats: Firstly at our Nanny and Toddlers group, the teacher said that we should “make another one” as A loves babies and other kids so much. Then some kids who came over to play, asked me if A had a brother. When I said no, he is our “only” child (still hard to say that, as he does have a sister, even if she is an Angel), they said “shame, he must be so lonely”. Thirdly, we had builders round to our house, as we are starting renovations and they asked us where we would be putting the bedroom for our next child.

For goodness sake, that was the last straw….we are not the only people in this world to have only 1 child. Some people cant afford more than 1, some don’t want more than 1…for us, we cannot have more than 1. We will not put ourselves through what we went through during those 6 years, for love nor money. Why is it anyone else’s business??

Can those people not just stop and think for a second, why it is OK to ask such a question? I already feel guilty that he will be an only child, but I know he will be fine. He has plenty of friends and cousins around to keep him happy, he wont miss out. Of course I feel bad for him BUT it is our choice, not anyone else’s and, even if we didn’t have the reasons that we do, it is still OUR decision to make and no one elses.

Stop judging others and the world would be such a nicer place to live in.

The Perpetual 2 Week Wait

So, everyone that has been through infertility and IVF’s before, knows all to well the feeling of the dreaded 2 week wait, between transferring your embryos and waiting to be able to test to see if you are pregnant. To say it drags is an UNDERSTATEMENT!!! You are up and your are down…one day sure you are pregnant, the next sure that you aren’t and never ever will be…a complete rollercoaster of emotions.

What I didn’t realise is that, once you get your BFP (positive pregnancy test), the next 8 months is one long 2 week wait!! 2 weeks to wait for your first scan, 2-3 weeks till your second and then third and then it changes to 3-4 weeks!! All this without any outward sign that you are actually pregnant and that everything is progressing as it should…it is like living in my own personal hell!!

Today marks 2 weeks till our next scan…we have already endured a week and a half and now I still have another 2 weeks in limbo?? To tell you that I cannot WAIT to have a bump and to feel our miracle baby move, is also an understatement…if someone gave me a time machine right now, I would set it for 5 weeks time, no questions asked, I would just jump in it and go!!

I suppose that it doesn’t help that I am in that “in between stage”… too fat to fit my old clothes nicely and too small to fit into maternity wear…ARGH it’s so frustrating!!! I WANT TO LOOK PREGNANT AND NOT JUST LIKE I ATE TOO MANY PIES (although I am incidentally eating a very nice cornish pasty right now 😉 ).

Anyway, that’s enough of a whinge from my side, it’s Friday today and we have a loooong weekend ahead of us, it’s a public hol here on Monday and hubby’s birthday on Tuesday, so we are off work in 2.5 hours time for 4 days…BLISS!

Enjoy the weekend everyone 🙂


The Highs, The Lows, but at last we are “safe”…

I am sorry for being so neglectful over the past 5 weeks and thanks to Mrs FF for asking after me, I am fine and, yes I am still pregnant.

I was going to do a full post on the reason for my absence…our 7 week scan that indicated that the sac had collapsed and it was all over, BUT I have decided not to dwell on “that” scan, but rather on all the following ones,when our Miracle Baby showed that there is a reason that we believe in God, by growing in leaps and bounds and turning out to be perfect in our 12 week fetal assessment last week!!

So, we have officially reached the relative safety of the 12 week mark, but I still can’t seem to relax! I still dwell on all the possibilities of things going wrong and am basically living from scan to scan BUT, when I am sat waiting for my scans, I am terrified beyond belief that something will be wrong and I want to run screaming from the building!!! If I could have any wish right now (apart from a happy and healthy baby), I would wish for Ignorant Bliss and the pure belief that all will be fine, nothing bad will happen and, in 27 weeks time I will be holding my perfect bundle of joy, similar to most of the happy go lucky “fertiles” out there. BUT I know that my years in the trenches means my innocence as well as my ignorance and it seems my bliss too is long gone…I have seen, heard and experienced far too much heartache for it to be any different.

Perhaps it will all change when I start to look pregnant and start to feel the baby move, but I still have 7 long weeks to get through till that happens. So, until then, I am planning on keeping busy, keeping praying and keeping as positive as possible that all will be well.


Positive and Pregnant

So, after Monday’s beta not doubling debacle, when yesterday dawned, I decided to be positive and NOT to go for another Beta. When my FS came back to me, he discouraged doing more bloods, but instead he said to bring my scan forward from 7 to 6 weeks…which ends up being 5 weeks and 4 days, as we are going away next week, which mean’s that it is on Friday. So it’s not very long to wait until we know once and for all if the pregnancy is viable. Hence the positivity, if I am going to be proven pregnant or otherwise on Friday, then until Friday, I am damned if I’m not going to enjoy every moment of being pregnant, after all… TODAY I AM PREGNANT…even the clear blue digital this morning said so!!

So, my dear friend from fertilicare (a forum that has kept me sane these past few weeks!)… who is a mere 3 days further along than me and who has been such a positive soul during her treatment, keeping a smile on all our faces… kept me busy yesterday and off good ol Dr Google. She had also made the decision to start to enjoy her pregnancy, as she had experienced some spotting but had seen her sac on a scan and her bloods on Monday were over 3000, so she was happy too and yesterday we revelled in our pregnancies. Then, this morning, she miscarried.

I am so sad for her and her husband, she is truly the most special of people, if anyone deserves a baby to love, it’s her…they have been trying for 11 years. My soul is crushed after 6, I can only imagine what 11 feels like.

So, as with IVF, it turns out that pregnancy is a complete numbers game…the fact that it looks positive and like it is all going to plan, means nothing…tomorrow could bring a whole other kind of hell. That being said, I am still going to remain positive and enjoy being pregnant…today.

Never plain sailing….

Just as I was beginning to believe that, perhaps, just maybe, this pregnancy could actually be a reality… I went for my 4th beta today, to find that it didn’t double!! My beta’s have been as follows:

3rd July = 124
5th July = 251
7th July = 544
9th July = 714!!

Plus, yesterday I had sharp pains in my right ovary that lasted 40 mins and happened twice, so now I am panicking about an ectopic….especially as I had a ZIFT and the zygotes were put back in my right tubes 😦

I have emailed my Fertility Specialist and am awaiting his response. The nurse didn’t seem too worried though and said that they don’t need to see me till my scan on the 25th… but I’m like WTH?? 3 beta’s rose perfectly and then it didn’t even go up 50% …why, when we were THIS close to believing that it was actually our time, does something like this have to happen??

Please keep us in your prayers…

Bok xx


Ok, so after recovering from the shock of seeing the + appear on the HPT (after all these years, that is truly something that I never thought I would see), I got my arse into the car and zoomed to the clinic for a beta test…there was just NO way I was waiting till thurs!

They rang me with the news and I will never forget the nurses word’s… “you’re pregnant”!!! So I asked about the levels and she countered with a “why did you test early? Did you do a urine test?” Ummmmm, nooooo (great way to start the pregnancy hey, by lying! Kid(s), do not follow Mommy’s example!!) So I told her it was because I had terrible cramps last night (true) and, as it was 14 days since our egg retrieval, I figured that it really wasn’t too early and I didn’t want to wait till Thurs. She accepted that and told me my levels… now I was hoping for anything around 100 as that would be a strong beta and not cause more sleepless nights and, drum roll please…. they are 124!! We are very relieved and cannot believe that we have made it this far… THANK YOU GOD!! I know my Gran is probably sitting up there saying “I told you so!” so, Gran, I am sorry that I doubted you!

Thursday we do a repeat beta and pray that it doubles…this waiting game is far from over!

To POAS or not to POAS…that is the question!!!

For you infertility virgins (long may you remain so!) who have just stumbled upon my rantings by sheer luck (or bad luck!), POAS means to pee on a (home pregnancy) stick!

NOOOOOOOOOO I can hear all you seasoned TTC’vers scream at your PC, but hear me out first…

My reasoning is that, why shouldn’t I have some sort of normalcy in all this craziness? I know I will never experience what it is like to make the decision to have a baby and, 2 months later, be pregnant but, maybe, just maybe, if I finally get that 2nd line on the home pregnancy test perhaps, for a few seconds, I will forget all the past pain and heartbreak and know what normal feels like. Now that we are actually in our 2 week wait however, I must admit that I am a bit more cautious… after all, a home pregnancy test has never yielded good news for me before, I have NEVER in my entire 33 years on this planet, had a 2nd line appear, so what makes this time any different? Also, I’d quite like to remain PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) a little longer, in case Thursday’s blood test proves me PO rather than P!!!

Decisions decisions! Either way, I won’t do it till Tuesday, as that is 14dpo and so the result will be true….I cannot be arsed faffing around trying to make myself believe that a negative test is REALLY a positive, but just too early, like in my previous cycles.

Symptom update… AF type cramps today, which are completely freaking me out, as they do normally start on and off 2-3 days before AF arrives. Cue frantic knicker checking every 10 mins,..ahh the joy of the 2 week wait!!!

Keep us in your prayers (thanks to all who have left supportive comments) and feel free to comment with your view on whether I should or should not POAS on tues 😉

Bok xx