Feeling Positive!

Ok, so yesterday and today I have felt quite (and unusually!) positive!!

I have decided to acknowledge that I AM having twinges and have decided NOT to write them off as being because my tube was healing from the ZIFT!

I have decided to acknowledge that today I seem to be having on and off AF pains AND have decided that they are a GOOD sign!

So, until further notice, I’m finally accepting that I possible could be pregnant!! After all, this cycle we changed 3 things from our last one, including the fact that my embabies were put back where they belong immediately, so why wouldn’t they grow and flourish??

Long may this mood continue, we still need all your prayers in the meantime tho!

Have a great weekend all!

Bok x

1 Week to go…

and the 2 week wait “crazies” have definitely begun to take hold!!! I have just spent my day googling ZIFT success stories, am I completely barmy? I think so! So much for the cool and collected me of last week…now I know that was just the anaesthetic in my system and my body needing to heal and, now that I am feeling better, I am better placed to stew over every little twinge and feeling/lack of feeling!!!

It is all the more vital now, as my embabies should be implanting yesterday, today and tomorrow and so the twinges and cramps become all the more necessary and the lack of them all the more SCARY!!! ARGHHHHHH, this is going to be the longest week of my life!!

Please pray my embabies are snuggling in to my uterus for the long haul…this has to be it, it just HAS to!

Bok x


I’M BAAAAAACK! In case you were wondering what the long silence was for…it was only because my concentration levels were gnat like for days after the general and not for anything serious.

Well, the morning of the ZIFT dawned bright and early (for us anyway!) and we sped to the clinic, looking forward to seeing how my 9 eggies had fertilised. I was hoping for 8 embies, but was prepared to accept 6, which meant that we would hopefully have some to freeze for the first time ever!! Not to be…we got 4.

With a ZIFT you always transfer more embies than the usual 2, as you cannot monitor them for 3 or 5 days like you can with a normal transfer and so you cannot choose the best and, as the odds aren’t great that 100% of fertilised embies make it to babies, we transferred all 4 zygotes.

I am not going to lie and say that the laparoscopy was a breeze…it wasn’t! From the moment I opened my eyes I was in constant pain till about 12 hours ago (and the ZIFT was  5 days ago). The gas first of all, took 3-4 days to disperse and so, every time I stood up or walked around,  the shoulder pain was immense. I pretty much stayed in bed for 4 days straight until I had to get up to visit my nephew, who arrived safely the day after my procedure. It wasn’t only the gas though, my insides had also taken a complete battering with the retrieval and then the tube into my tubes the very next day, so lying down was the best place for me.

And now, the wait begins… implantation should be taking place over the next couple of days and so the analyzing of every twinge/cramp/feeling starts here!!! Test day is only on the 5th July…will I be able to resist peeing on a stick before that day?? You’ll have to watch this space!

Please remember us in your prayers…


9 EGGS!!!

Well, the ER went smoothly! I was the only one in the theatre, as the clinic is closed on a Sunday and, as everyone normally wants a 5 day transfer, there are not many ER’s done on a Tues, which suited me fine!

We retrieved 9 eggs, which fell slap bang in the middle of the FS’ prediction of 10 and mine of 8! Here’s hoping for 100% fertilisation, keep your fingers crossed for us please…

Am slightly bloated now, but haven’t even snoozed yet and it’s 3pm! Only had the tiniest bleed too, all in all it was probably my easiest ER.

ZIFT to face tomorrow, but am feeling very positive again, which is a great feeling after the stresses of the past few weeks!

Bring it on…

11 Days from 1st injection to ZIFT…WOW!

I just cannot believe that this cycle has gone so fast! Guess it helps that the ZIFT will be done the day after egg retrieval and so I do not have to factor in those extra days but still, that seems lightening quick! It has been a bit hard going at times however, as I have been  on a very high dose of Menopur…5 amps to be exact! Last time I had ICSI, I was on 2 and that was only 3 years ago! Unfortunately tho, my amh level has dropped right down to 1.16 and so my ovarian reserve is very low AND our FS knows that it is our last cycle, so he wanted to give us as many eggies as possible. So, I started off with 5 amps for 3 days and then dropped down to 4, what this meant was that I got stinking headaches, even with drinking 3-4litres of water a day, which I really wasn’t prepared for, due to having zilch headaches last cycle.

Anyway, first scan showed 9 follies, second scan showed that they have grown nicely and wham bam, Egg Retrieval is tomorrow!!!

Please wish us luck, I will fill in the blanks of the missing days in between after my ZIFT, as I will be housebound for awhile! Sorry for being off air so long, have been trying to write a chapter of a book that one of the lovely forum ladies is putting together and so that has been taking up most of my brain power outside of work PLUS has been my outlet for a few days, so I could spare you some whinging 😉

Anyway, tomorrow is an early start and I need to conserve my strength for the following days general anaesthetic so, please pray for lots of eggies to work with on this, our last fresh cycle!! I’ll update you when I can, even if it is just a short one while in the land of purple clouds!

P.s: 3 sleeps till my nephew is born…at least I won’t still be hyped up on the urine of post menopausal women, so may handle it a bit better… although father’s day was kind of interesting, but that story will keep!

Bok x

Better late than never!

Ok, so yesterday didn’t quite go to plan…turns out my progesterone levels were too high yesterday and I wasn’t allowed to take my purple bag of meds home with me 😦

So, I went back today and, thank the Lord, my levels were fine, I was given my first jab and AWAY WE GOOOO!!

After my appt, I went for a lovely massage (much needed cos of all this extra stress) and then to a birthday do for my Aunt.

After the lunch, a wife of one of my cousin’s came up to me (they have been having trouble conceiving) and asked when we were going to be doing our IVF, I said that we were there today…so she said that they are going to be starting a cycle on Monday, at Medfem!

Going back to my first and second cycles, I would’ve killed for a real life cycle buddy. Now that I am older and wiser, however, all I can think of is… what happens if one of us is unsuccessful??? I know it’s cynical and I know it WILL (positive thinking!) be wonderful when we both get our BFP’s and are pg together but, what if??

Also, my sister knew that yesterday went pear shape but, has she bothered to check with me today if all is well?? Umm, NOPE!! 12 days to go…

On our way, or nearly!

This morning I woke up with the tell tale signs that AF was coming, so I quickly calculated and, if she turned up this morning before 12, then tomorrow we would start and, if she only came this afternoon, then Sat would be the day. I have been a bit worried that CD2 might fall on a Sunday, when the clinic is closed (which would be just my luck!). Half an hour later, she arrived!! WOOO HOOOOOOO, pending the result of the bloods and scan in the morning, I should be able to start turning myself into a human pincushion tomorrow!!!!

I am excited, scared sh!tless too, but glad that the first wait is over (waiting for AF). Anyway, at work, I pulled my sister aside (14 days till she pops by the way!) and told her… so she looked at me dubiously and said “are you ready”? I shrugged and she gave me this look and walked away!! Now, we have a chat function at work on our pc’s, so I opened a chat with her and said:

me: Not ready…don’t think you ever fully are, but excited to get going again, hate the     waiting! Looks like June is going to be an exciting month! Sent at 11:01 AM on Thursday

and I waited for a reply and waited and waited and got nothing! So I log onto the forum that we are both on (she is in the preggo’s room however, while I am perpetually in the TTC room….or TTC Vets now!!) and see that she is online giving advice and support to all and sundry on there, yet….her real life sister, sitting just a 100 feet away, she gives nothing to!!!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! Ok, that feels a bit better! I am not going to ruin my excitement because of her selfishness. Instead, I am going to concentrate on shedding my lining, so I get the green light to start shooting up tomorrow… here we goooooooo!

Baby Shower Survivor!!

Well, the Baby Shower came and went on Saturday and, guess what, I survived!!! Looking back, I can now see that the anticipation of the day was so much worse, than the day itself, but I guess that it also helped that I was one of the hosts and so was busied with making sure everyone was happy and kids stayed alive etc.

The meltdown actually came the day before, when hubby and I were at my Mom’s house (venue), firming up plans for the next day and one of our family friends who couldn’t make it the next day, dropped of this mahoooooosive hamper for the baby. As it was open, my Mom decided to have a nose and out came piece after piece of the most gorgeous baby goodies that you have ever seen. Hubby and I excused ourselves and I just about made it to the car before bursting into tears and sobbing great big hicupping sobs all the way home (luckily hubby was in his own car, or else he might have been tempted to open the door and boot me out!!). All that was going through my head on that drive home, was that it would NEVER be our turn, it would NEVER be MY baby shower and I would NEVER have a baby to call my own….

After that, the next day was actually a breeze in comparison! It was made hard when people started asking me stupid questions like: was my bro in law coming? I mean, as far as I am aware, Baby showers are girls only aren’t they? Not so apparently, as now the proud Dadda is allowed to partake…. shows you just how much of a baby shower pariah I have been, that I didn’t even know the correct answer to that hey?!

BUT, most importantly, I survived!! Now I have 16 days and counting till the little fella arrives, at which time I will also be hyped up on hormones for our cycle! Yikes! Make sure you check back for those “fun and games” aka tantrums and tears…

Why I am more of an emotional wreck than usual…

Ok, so I thought that I owed you a bit of an explanation regarding my less than stable emotional state recently…

At the beginning of the month we made the decision that, in June, we will commence our 3rd and final ICSI cycle (as chatted about in a previous post). We are going balls to the wall with this one and are doing a ZIFT, which is a pretty hectic procedure, meaning that the embryo’s are transferred via a laparoscopy, into my tubes, the day after they fertilise. This is because, when the issue is with the sperm, the embies seem to do better when they are put back in their natural habitat quicker. It is a big procedure and means that I will be going under general anaesthetic the day after being sedated for egg retrieval BUT, I have survived a laparoscopy before and I want to look back and know that we did EVERYTHING that we could, to get our BFP.

So, there is a lot riding on this one, which automatically makes it more emotionally draining than the first 2 cycles that we did. In fact, for the first one, we were so young (27!) and naive, that it didn’t enter our heads that the cycle would fail….I mean, why would it? We were young and everybody said it would work…!! One BFN later and we were a bit older and wiser about the dark world of Infertility and so we waited 2 years before having cycle no 2. That time we had 2 seemingly perfect blastocysts transferred and left the clinic with the Fertility Specialists words ringing in our ears “the worst outcome will be that it is twins”!!! One heartbreaking and soul destroying BFN later, we took another 3 years to pick up the pieces enough, to enable us to be in the right place both emotionally and financially, to try again.

So, yes, if I am a bit of a whinger and a bitcher over the next few weeks, I apologise in advance. I know that that is the reason I reacted so badly to the recent “kid’s party saga”, there is no way if I was in my right mind, that I would’ve let it hurt me quite so much…

Because you don’t have children…

…have to be the most hurtful words that an infertile can hear or the most hurtful reason that anyone can give an infertile, for not including them in something, or inviting them somewhere.

Despite the pain those words cause, I hear them quite often and, as you can probably guess, they were the words I heard in relation to my missing invite to my bff’s kids’ party. My other bff confronted her and those were the very words she used… one of my closest friends, one of the only people in the world who know what we are going through/have been through and she used the very words that hurt more than any others.

I’m hurting so much at the moment… I really hope our friendship survives this. I know there is no way she could know the pain those words bring, no one who hasn’t been down this path knows that pain, but I can’t help the way that I am feeling either.

Guess we’ll all have to watch this space, to see how things pan out…