Our boy is 4 tomorrow and 4 years ago we had no idea he existed.

How happy and sad that heading makes me.

Happy for my gorgeous boy to at last be 4, as he has been dying to be for the past few months and so very sad that, 4 years ago, we had no idea he existed.

There was no excitedly prepping a nursery, nor was there the packing of a hospital bag, the charging of a camera or the timing of contractions. However, I guess that there wasn’t most of that for his Birthmom either. Today I feel sad for both of us. Tomorrow I will be happy for both of us because, tomorrow, the boy that she made and that I get to grow and nourish, both physically and mentally, celebrates his special day.

But, for now, today, I am sad. As I write, he is at his Granny’s house, baking his birthday cake, with his cousins. Today school broke up and they are all super excited and happy. I know every inch of him so well and every day I revel in his cheeky, bright and questioning nature. I know where he is 24 hours a day, what he likes to eat/play with/watch on tv, how could I have missed those first few days of his life? His first breath, his first cry. It just really messes with my head that I missed such a big part of his life…the 9 months before he entered this world and then the 10 days after that.

I know how lucky I am that he came home to us at 10 days old, as that doesnt happen anymore in South Africa but I still mourn the time I missed.

This is the first year that these feelings have come to the fore and I acknowledge that every year, from now on, they probably will too. It is part of the adoption process and the emotions that go along with it. I am fiercely protective of my boy, even to the point of walking away from friendships, if I feel that he has been dissed/rejected in any way. I described it to a friend the other day as my mama bear instinct. I won’t be able to protect him from feeling feelings of rejection when he can understand about his adoption, but my God, I will protect his feelings while I still can, with every fibre of my being.

Today, more than ever, I wish I could make contact with his Birthmom, to compare notes about our boy and find out what I missed. I know that she has missed out on so very much more than I have, does she think of it like that? I suppose that she would drive herself mad if she did. I will, however, take some time out of tomorrow, as I always do, to silently thank her for what she gave us and the world. There is no doubt in my mind that very many people’s lives would be that much more dreary without him in it. Ours, my parents, our friends, his teachers and his friends, just to name a few. How could you not smile when you look at this face:

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Busy busy busy!

Our boy is the busiest bee around! On the go from morning to night, except during his 2hr nap. He doesnt even sit down to eat, preferring to eat on the go!

Comparing him to his cousin, who is very careful and happy to sit in front of the tv, our little whirlwind is leaps and bounds ahead of L physically and mentally! However, he doesnt have a “danger sensor” at all! He will quite happily run headlong into any body of water, climb out his cot, up onto a table etc…he gives his Mommy grey hairs, that is for sure!!

The upside of this, is that he is a brilliant sleeper…except for this past weekend. We went away with friends, to their holiday home on a dam. The house has been made kid friendly, as her children first started going there when they were babies. The garden is fenced off, as it is in front of the dam, so we thought all would be fine. We were wrong! The first evening there, he was running around the garden and he spotted a mongoose. Now, he loves our dogs and missed them terribly while we were away and, in his little boy mind, the mongoose was a dog! So, he took off at a run, after the mongoose shouting “Goga, Gogaaaaa” (his name for dogs)! The mongoose escaped through the fence but that didn’t deter him one little bit, he just climbed over the fence and carried on running! We have never moved so fast in our lives as he raced down the pier as fast as his little legs would carry him! Neither of my friends little girls had ever tried climbing the fence….guess little boys are different (although I doubt L would climb over either!).

Anyway, back to the sleeping… at the house my friend had her 2 girls there, now 8 and 6 and 2 other friends bought their kids, a girl of 6 and a boy of 11. Well, A was in his element! He loves older boys especially and so Matt was his hero! Therefore 5am became his new wake up time and no naps were taken in the day…he suffered from complete FOMO (Fear of missing out). He did sleep for 3 hours yesterday afternoon to catch up though!

All through the weekend, I was in prime position to witness many sibling arguments, between the 2 sets of siblings and, it occurred to me that, that is another bonus to having 1 child…no fighting! So, long may these weekends away continue, so A can get his fill of having ‘siblings’ and Mommy can remember, once again, why 1 child is the way to go… without even taking into account all the nasty IF treatments and losses along the way!

The soundtrack of our journey…

A song for our little one, who is out there somewhere….

I’m not surprised, not everything lasts
I’ve broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it’ll all turn out
You’ll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven’t met you yet

I might have to wait, I’ll never give up
I guess it’s half timing, and the other half’s luck
Wherever you are, whenever it’s right
You’ll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it’ll all turn out
You’ll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven’t met you yet

They say all’s fair
In love and war
But I won’t need to fight it
We’ll get it right and we’ll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know it’ll all turn out
And I’ll work to work it out
Promise you, kid, I’ll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get

Oh, you know it’ll all turn out
And you’ll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah, I just haven’t met you yet

I just haven’t met you yet
Oh, promise you, kid
To give so much more than I get

I said love, love, love, love
Love, love, love, love
(I just haven’t met you yet)
Love, love, love, love
Love, love
I just haven’t met you yet

I bolded the lyrics that ring particularily true, but the entire song mirrors my feelings at the mo… hope, tinged with excitement, tinged with apprehension!!  🙂

P.s: it may not play from here, if it doesn’t, click on the link to view it on you tube and it will take you straight there (you may need to allow pop ups).

xx