On the eve of my 40th Birthday

If I think back 10 years ago, as I stood on the cusp of my 30th birthday, I was not dealing with the thought of being 30, very well. In fact, we ended up going to America and spending my day in Disney World, immersed in the ultimate place for the young and young at heart, just so I could keep my mind off the fact that I was aging horribly.

There was only 1 reason for my fear of turning 30….my infertility. 

Turning 30 whilst still TTC, is hard, that’s all there is to it. The blueprint I had for my life, had worked out to a point:

  1. Travel the world – CHECK
  2. Find love of my life – CHECK
  3. Marry love of my life – CHECK
  4. Have babies before 30 – NO POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST TO BE SEEN

And so, as I approached 30, we were stuck in the limbo that is infertility and, had already been there for 3 years. Little was I to know that, it would still be 5 long years until our journey came to an end and, another 5 years after that, to get over all the mental and physical issues, brought on by that roller coaster journey.

What I mean by that is, you don’t ever avoid battle scars when travelling down the road of infertility. Some are physical ie: weight gain, laparoscopy scars, caesarean scars etc and, some are mental ie: guilt, anxiety and depression.

I only realised recently that I have kept myself 15kg overweight, ever since 2012, as some sort of punishment to myself, for what happened to Eloise. Only once I dealt with my guilt, head on, could I focus on a healthier lifestyle and, have since lost 12kg.

I also drank too much and hung out with people who didn’t bring out the best in me as, on a subconscious level, I didn’t think I deserved anything more than that. Since looking at my demons right in the eye, I have finally rid my life of unhealthy “friendships” and am focusing on friends who build me up, instead of tearing me down.

And so, because of this long overdue transformation, turning 40, is a different beast altogether. At last, I have been able to let go of the ghosts that haunted me throughout my thirties and I am finding my way back to me. I couldn’t be more excited about what this decade has in store for me. As cliche as it sounds, I really am feeling that my life will begin at 40.

If you are stuck in the cycle of grief, even after achieving your family, please make sure that you work through it sooner rather than later, for your sake and the sake of your family. Don’t beat yourself up for another 5 years like I did and, potentially miss out on some wonderful experiences with your family that you worked so hard for! Chat to a psychologist, or someone who has also been through infertility and/or loss. Join a support group, do a course, just do whatever you can to get back to you. Sending love to you xx

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Written in the Stars??

I am struggling a bit this month…I don’t know whether it is due to the fact that it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month or that I am weaning myself off the 6 month course of AD’s that I took…or both! Either way I am feeling lower than I have for the last 8 months or so. I am definitely not going to go back onto AD’s, it has been such a hard process to wean off them, so I am going to have to deal with this head on.

Another date which is creeping up on us, is our 8th Wedding Anniversary, which is on the 15th October…always a joyous day of celebration, until this year. The 15th October also happens to be Remembrance day for Infant and Pregnancy loss. 

On the 15th October 2003, my Gorgeous Man and I got engaged on the top of Table Mountain in Cape Town. We did swift calculations and worked out that the 15th October 2005 was a Saturday, so we set the date right there and then. This leads me to think, once again, that all that happened to us was written in the stars. I don’t know if that depresses me more or not, I am a bit confused by it all at the moment.

I kinda hate that the day we once spent remembering our happy day fondly, by watching our wedding video and flipping through the albums and talking about things long forgotten, has now been tainted by the worst thing that could ever happen to a couple. Now, instead of going out for a celebratory supper, I feel that I need to be home to light a candle as per http://www.october15th.com

 

Don’t take my upset as an unwillingness to celebrate Eloise’s life. I love her with all my heart and thinking about her brings me joy and sadness equally but, her anniversary is also creeping up on us and that is the day I wish to choose to spend with her and all things that remind me of her. I think what I am saying is, that I don’t need to be forced to remember her, but at the same time, I want to support others who have gone through the same thing, so I am torn.

Apparently the statistic is that 1 in 4 women will experience the loss of a child through infant and pregnancy loss.

That statistic breaks my heart into tiny little pieces and so, it is for all of us who have been to hell and back, that I will put my big girl panties on and take a stand on the 15th October. I can celebrate my marriage every day through hugs and kisses and time spent with my Lovely Man.

This day is bigger than just us….

I AM 1 IN 4

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Bok x