Why I can’t wait to be your Mommy…

Before we find out whether we are expecting a boy or a girl this weekend, I wanted to list the reasons that I put myself through all that I did, to become a Mommy and it goes something like this:


  • from the moment that you open your eyes, you will look at me like I am the most important person in the world to you and I will be!
  • when you have an owie, you will want me, your Mommy and no one else will do
  • to play with you will be the most fun Mommy has had since she was a child
  • I will get to teach you all that is fascinating about this world
  • I will get to see Daddy become the best Daddy in the world, just like I have always known he will be
  • I will get to watch you learn new things on a daily basis and be the proudest Mommy in the world
  • I get to have the priviledge to mould you into the best person you can be, to be caring to people and animals and the world, to be funny, loyal and to laugh all the time
  • I will get to read you bed time stories and watch your little face light up with pleasure at the tales
  • I will get to make forts or princess castles with you and watch you play in them for hours
  • watching you sleep will become Mommy’s new favourite pastime
  • because this is why I was put on this earth

I don’t mind whether you are a boy or a girl my darling, I just pray that you are healthy and happy, because you will be loved so much, regardless.


15 Weeks today!!

Today we are 15 weeks pregnant!!

Every time I think that, I get a shiver! In 5 weeks I will feel baby move and in 2.5 weeks we will find out whether we are having a boy or a girl 🙂 So excited about what’s ahead (still with a hint of worry, but I am slowly getting used to that feeling and it is a little easier to live with).

We invested in a fetal doppler device (angelsounds), which detects the heartbeat and can be used at home. We have used it once a week since 12 weeks, but have not located the heartbeat…until Sunday, when we found it immediately! What a wonderful sound that is, my baby’s heartbeat, beating away inside of me!!! SUCH a surreal feeling 🙂 We recorded it and counted, it was beating at 150bpm and I have listened to it on my phone countless times since. What a wonderful device and something that will get us through the weeks between scans…we will be careful to only use it once a week though!

UPDATE ON 14 WEEK SCAN Last week we had our first scan with our new OB/GYN. He is very nice, around 60 years old, so has been around the block a bit 😉 He gave me a lecture on healthy eating and told me to eat toast/wholewheat cereal/ boiled egg for breakfast, salad for lunch and a small portion of carbs with protein for supper!! Wowsers, have decided that only men could assume that would be enough to satiate my increased pregnancy appetite!! Oh yes, he did say I could snack…on ryvitas!!! EEEK, so much for eating for 2 hey? Haha, anyway, I see where he is coming from and choose to ignore only the portion sizes and choice of snack… healthy within reason, but allowed to indulge once in a while, is my philosophy!

I made the rookie mistake of having an empty bladder for the scan (too well trained for the countless internal “probe” scans I had to endure, where you have to have a very empty bladder) and so the visual wasn’t great, but baby looked happy and was waving again! He/she measured 14weeks 3 days and so a couple of days ahead still and Dr B was happy with what he saw. We could see the spine in detail, as well as the eyes, including the lenses, which was just amazing! Next time I am going to make sure that I am bursting, to ensure that we see the sex 😀 Next Scan is on the 5th October!

Update on symptoms: Currently not sleeping very well, even though I am not getting up every night to wee and so I am quite tired during the day. Otherwise I have a bit of heartburn now and then (mostly when I am a greedy pig!) and still throw up nearly once a day when brushing my teeth! Otherwise I am feeling fine. I have definitely gotten off lightly where morning sickness is concerned.

Bump Watch: Still look more fat than pregnant and am suffering from serious “Bump Envy”! When I see obviously pregnant ladies, I wish that my bump would look like theirs! I know it’s not long till it does (I do look definitely pregnant at night, especially after eating!) but, as usual, I don’t want to wait!! Sigh…here I am wishing away time and I know that, come 34 weeks or so, I am going to wonder where the time went!

“Thank you Lord for the miracle which you have bestowed upon us”

Bok xx

The Highs, The Lows, but at last we are “safe”…

I am sorry for being so neglectful over the past 5 weeks and thanks to Mrs FF for asking after me, I am fine and, yes I am still pregnant.

I was going to do a full post on the reason for my absence…our 7 week scan that indicated that the sac had collapsed and it was all over, BUT I have decided not to dwell on “that” scan, but rather on all the following ones,when our Miracle Baby showed that there is a reason that we believe in God, by growing in leaps and bounds and turning out to be perfect in our 12 week fetal assessment last week!!

So, we have officially reached the relative safety of the 12 week mark, but I still can’t seem to relax! I still dwell on all the possibilities of things going wrong and am basically living from scan to scan BUT, when I am sat waiting for my scans, I am terrified beyond belief that something will be wrong and I want to run screaming from the building!!! If I could have any wish right now (apart from a happy and healthy baby), I would wish for Ignorant Bliss and the pure belief that all will be fine, nothing bad will happen and, in 27 weeks time I will be holding my perfect bundle of joy, similar to most of the happy go lucky “fertiles” out there. BUT I know that my years in the trenches means my innocence as well as my ignorance and it seems my bliss too is long gone…I have seen, heard and experienced far too much heartache for it to be any different.

Perhaps it will all change when I start to look pregnant and start to feel the baby move, but I still have 7 long weeks to get through till that happens. So, until then, I am planning on keeping busy, keeping praying and keeping as positive as possible that all will be well.


Positive and Pregnant

So, after Monday’s beta not doubling debacle, when yesterday dawned, I decided to be positive and NOT to go for another Beta. When my FS came back to me, he discouraged doing more bloods, but instead he said to bring my scan forward from 7 to 6 weeks…which ends up being 5 weeks and 4 days, as we are going away next week, which mean’s that it is on Friday. So it’s not very long to wait until we know once and for all if the pregnancy is viable. Hence the positivity, if I am going to be proven pregnant or otherwise on Friday, then until Friday, I am damned if I’m not going to enjoy every moment of being pregnant, after all… TODAY I AM PREGNANT…even the clear blue digital this morning said so!!

So, my dear friend from fertilicare (a forum that has kept me sane these past few weeks!)… who is a mere 3 days further along than me and who has been such a positive soul during her treatment, keeping a smile on all our faces… kept me busy yesterday and off good ol Dr Google. She had also made the decision to start to enjoy her pregnancy, as she had experienced some spotting but had seen her sac on a scan and her bloods on Monday were over 3000, so she was happy too and yesterday we revelled in our pregnancies. Then, this morning, she miscarried.

I am so sad for her and her husband, she is truly the most special of people, if anyone deserves a baby to love, it’s her…they have been trying for 11 years. My soul is crushed after 6, I can only imagine what 11 feels like.

So, as with IVF, it turns out that pregnancy is a complete numbers game…the fact that it looks positive and like it is all going to plan, means nothing…tomorrow could bring a whole other kind of hell. That being said, I am still going to remain positive and enjoy being pregnant…today.


Ok, so after recovering from the shock of seeing the + appear on the HPT (after all these years, that is truly something that I never thought I would see), I got my arse into the car and zoomed to the clinic for a beta test…there was just NO way I was waiting till thurs!

They rang me with the news and I will never forget the nurses word’s… “you’re pregnant”!!! So I asked about the levels and she countered with a “why did you test early? Did you do a urine test?” Ummmmm, nooooo (great way to start the pregnancy hey, by lying! Kid(s), do not follow Mommy’s example!!) So I told her it was because I had terrible cramps last night (true) and, as it was 14 days since our egg retrieval, I figured that it really wasn’t too early and I didn’t want to wait till Thurs. She accepted that and told me my levels… now I was hoping for anything around 100 as that would be a strong beta and not cause more sleepless nights and, drum roll please…. they are 124!! We are very relieved and cannot believe that we have made it this far… THANK YOU GOD!! I know my Gran is probably sitting up there saying “I told you so!” so, Gran, I am sorry that I doubted you!

Thursday we do a repeat beta and pray that it doubles…this waiting game is far from over!