On the eve of my 40th Birthday

If I think back 10 years ago, as I stood on the cusp of my 30th birthday, I was not dealing with the thought of being 30, very well. In fact, we ended up going to America and spending my day in Disney World, immersed in the ultimate place for the young and young at heart, just so I could keep my mind off the fact that I was aging horribly.

There was only 1 reason for my fear of turning 30….my infertility. 

Turning 30 whilst still TTC, is hard, that’s all there is to it. The blueprint I had for my life, had worked out to a point:

  1. Travel the world – CHECK
  2. Find love of my life – CHECK
  3. Marry love of my life – CHECK
  4. Have babies before 30 – NO POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST TO BE SEEN

And so, as I approached 30, we were stuck in the limbo that is infertility and, had already been there for 3 years. Little was I to know that, it would still be 5 long years until our journey came to an end and, another 5 years after that, to get over all the mental and physical issues, brought on by that roller coaster journey.

What I mean by that is, you don’t ever avoid battle scars when travelling down the road of infertility. Some are physical ie: weight gain, laparoscopy scars, caesarean scars etc and, some are mental ie: guilt, anxiety and depression.

I only realised recently that I have kept myself 15kg overweight, ever since 2012, as some sort of punishment to myself, for what happened to Eloise. Only once I dealt with my guilt, head on, could I focus on a healthier lifestyle and, have since lost 12kg.

I also drank too much and hung out with people who didn’t bring out the best in me as, on a subconscious level, I didn’t think I deserved anything more than that. Since looking at my demons right in the eye, I have finally rid my life of unhealthy “friendships” and am focusing on friends who build me up, instead of tearing me down.

And so, because of this long overdue transformation, turning 40, is a different beast altogether. At last, I have been able to let go of the ghosts that haunted me throughout my thirties and I am finding my way back to me. I couldn’t be more excited about what this decade has in store for me. As cliche as it sounds, I really am feeling that my life will begin at 40.

If you are stuck in the cycle of grief, even after achieving your family, please make sure that you work through it sooner rather than later, for your sake and the sake of your family. Don’t beat yourself up for another 5 years like I did and, potentially miss out on some wonderful experiences with your family that you worked so hard for! Chat to a psychologist, or someone who has also been through infertility and/or loss. Join a support group, do a course, just do whatever you can to get back to you. Sending love to you xx

Hands up, I need help!!

19 Months since the horrific loss of our Beautiful Baby Girl, I have eventually reached the point that I have to admit to myself that I need help to process my feelings.

It has been a long time in coming and there have been many arguments and near breakdowns along the way but, last week I decided that enough was enough and today I went to my first appointment with a psychologist.

I have been keeping myself busy to the point of absolute mental exhaustion, to try and train my brain not to think or dwell on things that I dont want to think or dwell on but it has caught up to me (as everyone knows that it does) and now, even with 8 hours a night sleep, I barely make it through the day I am so tired…classic sign of a heavy depression.

What did I learn from today’s session? Hello my name is S and my middle name is GUILT! I am pretty much going through my life guilt ridden over any number of things incl: ending our pregnancy, not spending enough time with A, not spending my time at work doing what I am paid to do, rather I spend time on my “hobby”an NPC, spending too much time with K (friend going through a nasty divorce) and not enough time with D (hubby) etc etc. I am a people pleaser and I always have been… I just forget to please myself most of the time.

Not sure how to even start to fix things but, at least I have made the first step and, hopefully week by week, I will get stronger and stronger (and poorer and poorer 😉 ).

My mantra for the foreseeable future…NOT MY CIRCUS, NOT MY MONKEYS = I must not get involved in others’ dramas. So much easier said than done when you are a people pleaser….