19 Months since the horrific loss of our Beautiful Baby Girl, I have eventually reached the point that I have to admit to myself that I need help to process my feelings.
It has been a long time in coming and there have been many arguments and near breakdowns along the way but, last week I decided that enough was enough and today I went to my first appointment with a psychologist.
I have been keeping myself busy to the point of absolute mental exhaustion, to try and train my brain not to think or dwell on things that I dont want to think or dwell on but it has caught up to me (as everyone knows that it does) and now, even with 8 hours a night sleep, I barely make it through the day I am so tired…classic sign of a heavy depression.
What did I learn from today’s session? Hello my name is S and my middle name is GUILT! I am pretty much going through my life guilt ridden over any number of things incl: ending our pregnancy, not spending enough time with A, not spending my time at work doing what I am paid to do, rather I spend time on my “hobby”an NPC, spending too much time with K (friend going through a nasty divorce) and not enough time with D (hubby) etc etc. I am a people pleaser and I always have been… I just forget to please myself most of the time.
Not sure how to even start to fix things but, at least I have made the first step and, hopefully week by week, I will get stronger and stronger (and poorer and poorer 😉 ).
My mantra for the foreseeable future…NOT MY CIRCUS, NOT MY MONKEYS = I must not get involved in others’ dramas. So much easier said than done when you are a people pleaser….