On the eve of my 40th Birthday

If I think back 10 years ago, as I stood on the cusp of my 30th birthday, I was not dealing with the thought of being 30, very well. In fact, we ended up going to America and spending my day in Disney World, immersed in the ultimate place for the young and young at heart, just so I could keep my mind off the fact that I was aging horribly.

There was only 1 reason for my fear of turning 30….my infertility. 

Turning 30 whilst still TTC, is hard, that’s all there is to it. The blueprint I had for my life, had worked out to a point:

  1. Travel the world – CHECK
  2. Find love of my life – CHECK
  3. Marry love of my life – CHECK
  4. Have babies before 30 – NO POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST TO BE SEEN

And so, as I approached 30, we were stuck in the limbo that is infertility and, had already been there for 3 years. Little was I to know that, it would still be 5 long years until our journey came to an end and, another 5 years after that, to get over all the mental and physical issues, brought on by that roller coaster journey.

What I mean by that is, you don’t ever avoid battle scars when travelling down the road of infertility. Some are physical ie: weight gain, laparoscopy scars, caesarean scars etc and, some are mental ie: guilt, anxiety and depression.

I only realised recently that I have kept myself 15kg overweight, ever since 2012, as some sort of punishment to myself, for what happened to Eloise. Only once I dealt with my guilt, head on, could I focus on a healthier lifestyle and, have since lost 12kg.

I also drank too much and hung out with people who didn’t bring out the best in me as, on a subconscious level, I didn’t think I deserved anything more than that. Since looking at my demons right in the eye, I have finally rid my life of unhealthy “friendships” and am focusing on friends who build me up, instead of tearing me down.

And so, because of this long overdue transformation, turning 40, is a different beast altogether. At last, I have been able to let go of the ghosts that haunted me throughout my thirties and I am finding my way back to me. I couldn’t be more excited about what this decade has in store for me. As cliche as it sounds, I really am feeling that my life will begin at 40.

If you are stuck in the cycle of grief, even after achieving your family, please make sure that you work through it sooner rather than later, for your sake and the sake of your family. Don’t beat yourself up for another 5 years like I did and, potentially miss out on some wonderful experiences with your family that you worked so hard for! Chat to a psychologist, or someone who has also been through infertility and/or loss. Join a support group, do a course, just do whatever you can to get back to you. Sending love to you xx

When are you going to have another child?

When did we, as humans, become so flippen judgmental?

Over the 6 years that we tried to conceive for, we were constantly judged on why we didn’t have kids yet, people did not hesitate to ask us personal questions regarding this fact, from literally the day we got married. When we came out of the closet regarding our infertility, the questions from those nearest and dearest to us stopped, strangers however, thought nothing about asking us when we were going to have kids.

Now that we have A, the questions have started about when we are going to be having a 2nd child. Even those who know all that we have been through, think nothing of asking us whether we are going to adopt again, or go through another cycle of IVF. Why cant people just leave us be?

Just yesterday, I faced the question in 3 different formats: Firstly at our Nanny and Toddlers group, the teacher said that we should “make another one” as A loves babies and other kids so much. Then some kids who came over to play, asked me if A had a brother. When I said no, he is our “only” child (still hard to say that, as he does have a sister, even if she is an Angel), they said “shame, he must be so lonely”. Thirdly, we had builders round to our house, as we are starting renovations and they asked us where we would be putting the bedroom for our next child.

For goodness sake, that was the last straw….we are not the only people in this world to have only 1 child. Some people cant afford more than 1, some don’t want more than 1…for us, we cannot have more than 1. We will not put ourselves through what we went through during those 6 years, for love nor money. Why is it anyone else’s business??

Can those people not just stop and think for a second, why it is OK to ask such a question? I already feel guilty that he will be an only child, but I know he will be fine. He has plenty of friends and cousins around to keep him happy, he wont miss out. Of course I feel bad for him BUT it is our choice, not anyone else’s and, even if we didn’t have the reasons that we do, it is still OUR decision to make and no one elses.

Stop judging others and the world would be such a nicer place to live in.

Feeling Positive!

Ok, so yesterday and today I have felt quite (and unusually!) positive!!

I have decided to acknowledge that I AM having twinges and have decided NOT to write them off as being because my tube was healing from the ZIFT!

I have decided to acknowledge that today I seem to be having on and off AF pains AND have decided that they are a GOOD sign!

So, until further notice, I’m finally accepting that I possible could be pregnant!! After all, this cycle we changed 3 things from our last one, including the fact that my embabies were put back where they belong immediately, so why wouldn’t they grow and flourish??

Long may this mood continue, we still need all your prayers in the meantime tho!

Have a great weekend all!

Bok x

1 Week to go…

and the 2 week wait “crazies” have definitely begun to take hold!!! I have just spent my day googling ZIFT success stories, am I completely barmy? I think so! So much for the cool and collected me of last week…now I know that was just the anaesthetic in my system and my body needing to heal and, now that I am feeling better, I am better placed to stew over every little twinge and feeling/lack of feeling!!!

It is all the more vital now, as my embabies should be implanting yesterday, today and tomorrow and so the twinges and cramps become all the more necessary and the lack of them all the more SCARY!!! ARGHHHHHH, this is going to be the longest week of my life!!

Please pray my embabies are snuggling in to my uterus for the long haul…this has to be it, it just HAS to!

Bok x


I’M BAAAAAACK! In case you were wondering what the long silence was for…it was only because my concentration levels were gnat like for days after the general and not for anything serious.

Well, the morning of the ZIFT dawned bright and early (for us anyway!) and we sped to the clinic, looking forward to seeing how my 9 eggies had fertilised. I was hoping for 8 embies, but was prepared to accept 6, which meant that we would hopefully have some to freeze for the first time ever!! Not to be…we got 4.

With a ZIFT you always transfer more embies than the usual 2, as you cannot monitor them for 3 or 5 days like you can with a normal transfer and so you cannot choose the best and, as the odds aren’t great that 100% of fertilised embies make it to babies, we transferred all 4 zygotes.

I am not going to lie and say that the laparoscopy was a breeze…it wasn’t! From the moment I opened my eyes I was in constant pain till about 12 hours ago (and the ZIFT was  5 days ago). The gas first of all, took 3-4 days to disperse and so, every time I stood up or walked around,  the shoulder pain was immense. I pretty much stayed in bed for 4 days straight until I had to get up to visit my nephew, who arrived safely the day after my procedure. It wasn’t only the gas though, my insides had also taken a complete battering with the retrieval and then the tube into my tubes the very next day, so lying down was the best place for me.

And now, the wait begins… implantation should be taking place over the next couple of days and so the analyzing of every twinge/cramp/feeling starts here!!! Test day is only on the 5th July…will I be able to resist peeing on a stick before that day?? You’ll have to watch this space!

Please remember us in your prayers…


9 EGGS!!!

Well, the ER went smoothly! I was the only one in the theatre, as the clinic is closed on a Sunday and, as everyone normally wants a 5 day transfer, there are not many ER’s done on a Tues, which suited me fine!

We retrieved 9 eggs, which fell slap bang in the middle of the FS’ prediction of 10 and mine of 8! Here’s hoping for 100% fertilisation, keep your fingers crossed for us please…

Am slightly bloated now, but haven’t even snoozed yet and it’s 3pm! Only had the tiniest bleed too, all in all it was probably my easiest ER.

ZIFT to face tomorrow, but am feeling very positive again, which is a great feeling after the stresses of the past few weeks!

Bring it on…

On our way, or nearly!

This morning I woke up with the tell tale signs that AF was coming, so I quickly calculated and, if she turned up this morning before 12, then tomorrow we would start and, if she only came this afternoon, then Sat would be the day. I have been a bit worried that CD2 might fall on a Sunday, when the clinic is closed (which would be just my luck!). Half an hour later, she arrived!! WOOO HOOOOOOO, pending the result of the bloods and scan in the morning, I should be able to start turning myself into a human pincushion tomorrow!!!!

I am excited, scared sh!tless too, but glad that the first wait is over (waiting for AF). Anyway, at work, I pulled my sister aside (14 days till she pops by the way!) and told her… so she looked at me dubiously and said “are you ready”? I shrugged and she gave me this look and walked away!! Now, we have a chat function at work on our pc’s, so I opened a chat with her and said:

me: Not ready…don’t think you ever fully are, but excited to get going again, hate the     waiting! Looks like June is going to be an exciting month! Sent at 11:01 AM on Thursday

and I waited for a reply and waited and waited and got nothing! So I log onto the forum that we are both on (she is in the preggo’s room however, while I am perpetually in the TTC room….or TTC Vets now!!) and see that she is online giving advice and support to all and sundry on there, yet….her real life sister, sitting just a 100 feet away, she gives nothing to!!!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! Ok, that feels a bit better! I am not going to ruin my excitement because of her selfishness. Instead, I am going to concentrate on shedding my lining, so I get the green light to start shooting up tomorrow… here we goooooooo!

Why I am more of an emotional wreck than usual…

Ok, so I thought that I owed you a bit of an explanation regarding my less than stable emotional state recently…

At the beginning of the month we made the decision that, in June, we will commence our 3rd and final ICSI cycle (as chatted about in a previous post). We are going balls to the wall with this one and are doing a ZIFT, which is a pretty hectic procedure, meaning that the embryo’s are transferred via a laparoscopy, into my tubes, the day after they fertilise. This is because, when the issue is with the sperm, the embies seem to do better when they are put back in their natural habitat quicker. It is a big procedure and means that I will be going under general anaesthetic the day after being sedated for egg retrieval BUT, I have survived a laparoscopy before and I want to look back and know that we did EVERYTHING that we could, to get our BFP.

So, there is a lot riding on this one, which automatically makes it more emotionally draining than the first 2 cycles that we did. In fact, for the first one, we were so young (27!) and naive, that it didn’t enter our heads that the cycle would fail….I mean, why would it? We were young and everybody said it would work…!! One BFN later and we were a bit older and wiser about the dark world of Infertility and so we waited 2 years before having cycle no 2. That time we had 2 seemingly perfect blastocysts transferred and left the clinic with the Fertility Specialists words ringing in our ears “the worst outcome will be that it is twins”!!! One heartbreaking and soul destroying BFN later, we took another 3 years to pick up the pieces enough, to enable us to be in the right place both emotionally and financially, to try again.

So, yes, if I am a bit of a whinger and a bitcher over the next few weeks, I apologise in advance. I know that that is the reason I reacted so badly to the recent “kid’s party saga”, there is no way if I was in my right mind, that I would’ve let it hurt me quite so much…